Over at The Oatmeal, there’s an entertaining list of how to make your restaurant popular, including only accepting cash, picking a ridiculously small venue with just a few tables, giving it an obnoxious name like “The Place,” and offering a tiny menu without accommodating custom orders. Or wait, was this an article about how to open Torrisi Italian Specialties? Just kidding! Duh, they take credit cards.
Zagat Buzz has come up with a few of their own suggestions, including not taking reservations, refusing parties of six or more, having only one bathroom located in the basement or through the kitchen, serving all drinks in mason jars (so true!), and installing multiple Edison lightbulbs. Yes, sounds like many a New York restaurant.
But wait … there are so many more things: Have an annoying reservations system! (Yes, that’s you, Momofuku Ko and PDT.) Serve ramen! (Hello, Ippudo and all your spawn.) Only dress your waiters in plaid and/or handlebar mustaches! (Oh, the Fat Radish, Marlow & Sons, all of Brooklyn.) Put “artisanal” on the menu no fewer than three times. And the name of the slaughtered pig. But only half points for the pig farmer.