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Are you in a bad mood? Of course you are! According to a new New York Times/CBS News poll, Americans are pretty much in the worst mood ever, at least since the “Great Recession,” when, you know, we sort of had a right to be in a bad mood. For a while, we felt better about things, but now we feel worse again. This makes us even crankier! Here are some things we’re cranky about:
• gas prices
• the fucking government
• our jobs
• when was the last time we went on a really great vacation, like a real one?
• sometimes we just feel blue and we don’t know why
• people with pretentious fake accents
• why are we getting fat!?
• why are we getting old!?
• our Facebook friends are so annoying
• people are mean to Trig Palin
• Sarah Palin
• bike lanes
• what if we have mice? Or bed bugs?
• what did we even DO last night?
• not enough good animal videos on YouTube
• computer doesn’t hold charge very long anymore
• will it ever be warm outside?
• nobody ever proposed to us in a crossword puzzle
• the fucking economy, STILL
Yep, it’s true. All of a sudden, those of us who think the economy is getting worse has jumped up again, “13 percentage points in just one month”! And this serves to make our mood even shittier.
Also: • Reading polls about what a bad mood we’re in
But we believe in taking charge and making change. You are the owner of you! So, what to do about America’s bad mood? America should:
• take a nap
• get a babysitter and go have a fun night out, like they used to when it was just them
• book itself for a massage
• make its intern bring it iced coffee
• stop focusing on its bad mood and think about the good things! Like…pie!
• talk to a therapist, or a close friend
• make a list, and cross things off it
• sit under a sun lamp for a few minutes
• do tequila shots until it doesn’t hurt anymore
• google “French bulldog puppies”
These things work for us; why wouldn’t they work for America? If America doesn’t even try them, then we don’t even feel bad for America.