Kate Middleton, lest we even begin to forget, is a commoner. Naturally, she has some embarrassing family members, as the British tabloids have been sure to uncover thoroughly. For example, there’s Katrina Darling, a burlesque dancer and second cousin of Kate. Then there are her siblings, Pippa and James, who have a reputation for partying. And finally there’s uncle Gary Goldsmith, who for years has been shaming the Middletons by basically being the Dude, except British and into coke and strippers (he was married to a former lap dancer). Goldsmith has a villa in Ibiza called Maison de Bang Bang, and his first words ever to Prince William were “Oi, you fucker!”
He sounds awesome.
Katrina Darling hasn’t been invited to the wedding, so that’s a relief. But Gary Goldsmith will be there for literally every event connected to it, because the palace wants to keep an eye on him. A source told the Post, “the prospect of Uncle Gary visiting a central London pub in the afternoon and holding forth about the family wedding was viewed inside Buckingham Palace as a recipe for disaster. So he’ll be attending every wedding event.”
However, the challenge will be keeping Gary away from the partying Prince Harry. It would be like moths to a flame, or drunks to other drunks who enable them. The Post’s source said, “Nobody wants to see ‘When Harry Met Gary’ headlines in the papers,” but actually, we certainly do want to see that headline and whatever story would be attached.
There’s also the issue of Pippa and James Middleton, Kate’s younger siblings. They’re actually pretty normal, except for being annoying-sounding society types. James is kind of a character, though — he dropped out of school to start a cake-making company and photographs of him wearing a dress were leaked on the Internet. He also advertised his cakes in gossip rag Hello!, and one of the cakes had Princess Diana’s likeness on it — all of which was decidedly declassé. Pippa does PR for an event company and is a socialite, known for dating aristocratic guys (she’s also in line to be Kate’s lady-in-waiting).
So, who will embarrass Kate on her wedding day? Our money is on Uncle Gary. He has it all: drug rumors, creepy lecherous vibe, the fact that he thought “Oi, you fucker!” was an appropriate way to greet a scion of the House of Windsor. Waiting with bated breath to see what G comes up with!