We’ll save you the sappy intro and cut right to the chase this afternoon: America, it’s time to wake up and smell the toupee. Donald Trump is a schmuck, and as he’s traveled the country this week he’s done a pretty good job of displaying just that. In the past week few days alone, he’s done some considerable damage with veiled racism. And while some of us have called his bluff, others have eaten it up (Indiana, here’s looking to you). Allow us to elaborate!
1. After Obama’s long-form birth certificate was revealed, Trump claimed victory:
“Today I am very proud of myself, because I have accomplished something that nobody else has been able to accomplish. I was just informed while on the helicopter that our President has finally released a birth certificate. I want to look at it, but I hope it’s true. So that we can get onto much more important matters, so that the press can stop asking me questions. He should have done it a long time ago. Why he didn’t do it when the Clintons asked for it? Why he didn’t do it when everybody else was asking for it? I don’t know, but I am really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role in hopefully, hopefully, getting rid of the issue.”
2. He lied about avoiding the Vietnam War because of a high-draft number:
“I actually got lucky because I had a very high draft number. I’ll never forget, that was an amazing period of time in my life.” Going on further to say, “I was going to the Wharton School of Finance, and I was watching as they did the draft numbers and I got a very, very high number and those numbers never got up to (that number).”
3. But he still told Good Day New York that he believes in the military because… well, the world is evil duh:
“I went to NY Military Academy, and I understand the military and I love the military and I feel very strongly about the military. We, especially with the world being so evil, I really feel we should have a strong, and even stronger military right now.”
“Listen you motherfuckers, we’re going to tax you 25%.”
5. He doesn’t want to help struggling nations like South Korea or Libya unless they pay us:
“I’m not interested in protecting none of them unless they pay.”
A final word to Trump himself: your editorial suggestions are not welcome on this blog post.