The 10 Best Guesses To The Suddenly Pressing Question, “Who Are The Modern Weepers?”


Yesterday Brooklyn Vegan posted a query about about British act playing Mercury Lounge on May 27; the act goes by the name the Modern Weepers, and the Merc site claims that the Mancunian act is “well travelled and well known in their native England” and “thrill[s] audiences and critics alike with their electronic melodies and classic Mope Rock lyrics.” But thanks to there being little info on the band on the web–there’s the bio on the Merc site, the seemingly MS Paint-produced logo at left, and a brand-new, deliberately cryptic Twitter account that follows Okkervil River, Pitchfork, Weezer, and Mike Posner–BV’s innocent query (tagged, provocatively, with “secret show”) has resulted in 500-some-odd speculative comments, zero real answers as to who this band in disguise might be, and a sold-out show for something that could just be a big old fake-out. (I’m hoping for The Tears, myself–get the play on words??–although Brett Anderson might be tired after three shows in Dublin spotlighting old Suede catalog that week.) 10 answers from the name-eschewing BV crowd and their odds of being true, after the jump.

10. “This sounds like something radiohead would do.”
ODDS: 10-1. It should be noted that this was comment No. 3. Not surprising, though!

9. “secret LCD show, y’all!”
ODDS: 25-1. It should be noted that this was comment No. 4. Highly unlikely, though!

8. “Jonathan Richman and the Modern Weepers
ODDS: 40-1. It should be noted that I almost made this joke.

7. “funny…. could it be that this is actually just a band called the Modern Weepers from England that are unknown in this country. As comical and as fake as the posted bio sounds, possibly just maybe it is real? Maybe this band is actually touring for ten bucks a show in small venues like an unknown band from England would be doing.”
ODDS: Uh, can someone show this person a copy of NME?

6. “Tyler, The Creatow [sic] w// Kanye West & P Diddy.”
ODDS: 50-1. And you can’t even thank the person for keeping the site’s Tyler-related Google hits high!

5. “This is actually going to be a Smiths reunion show, and the only reunion show they will play….for the express purpose of denying the rumors that they will ever play again. Let me explain: they will open with ‘You Just Haven’t Earned It Yet Baby,’ Morrissey will stop mid-song to explain how he is singing to the world and how the killing of animals worldwide must stop and everyone must become a vegan before the Smiths would reunite; he will proceed to tear his testicles off and eat them in homage to his prior statement that he would rather eat his bollocks than play with Johnny Marr again. The show will end and that will be that.”
ODDS (of this exact scenario playing out): 16-1. I love when fan fiction is plausibly written! Well done, Anonymous @ 12:17 p.m.!

4. “FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE” [paraphrased]
ODDS: 5-2. But we want to belieeeeeve!

3. “Probably just some dumbass Green Day Foxboro Hot Tubs shit.”
ODDS: 8-1. Billie Joe probably might very well miss Broadway…

2. “It’s a Brit supergroup sponsored by Ben Sherman
ODDS: 4-1. Brands have to go to extreme measures to make an impact these days, and a 500-plus comment thread on one of New York’s biggest music blogs looks great on the marketing report!

1. “It’s LeBron James, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. They are bringing their talents to the Lower East Side.
ODDS: 1,000-1, but wouldn’t the bait-and-switch confuse people in a kinda thrilling way?

This is all going to be so… anticlimactic! Can’t wait!