World Ending Saturday! I’m Scared!


First, I had to deal with the World nightclub closing sometime in the ’90s, as I traumatically recall every single waking moment of my life.

But now the whole world is ending!!!!

If you believe Reverend Harold Campingand why would he lie? — this Saturday at 6 p.m., bad shit is going to go down and 2 percent of the populace will be “raptured” to heaven while the rest is ruptured to a way lower berth.

Never mind that not one other thing in the Bible ever came true.

This one is a given!

And it’s totally ruining my plans to watch a nice little western called Junior Bonner on TCM.

I’m even not going to DVR it, since what would be the point? (Besides, I don’t have DVR.)

Another bad idea would be to spend the day writing checks to the estimable Mr. Camping.

The world’s ending, remember? The cash will be useless.

So don’t send any money to this amazing visionary, who’s not selling a book — I mean not just selling a book — he’s simply speaking the truth, and unlike last time, this time he’s woefully on target, for absolute certain.

I’ll just personally congratulate him when I see him in the lower berth.

And then I’ll ask him to turn the other cheek — and I’ll whomp it till it hurts like, you know, hell.