Cranky Slate Writer Hates Pie, Thinks Everyone Else Should Too


A disgruntled Slate employee has taken to the website to pen 1,653 words about his considerable and irrational hatred of pie.

“America, let’s be honest on this point: It is not so great to have pie,” contends Nathan Heller. The basis of his argument is the “oozing” slices of pie he has apparently been served on numerous occasions: In addition to their “livid fluids,” they have been marred by “fragile” crusts and “sloppy” dough.

Heller also posits that pie is un-American, based upon the fact that it wasn’t actually invented here, though he subsequently contradicts himself by acknowledging that the “modern, curiously engineered” pie that Americans eat today was created by the Pennsylvania Dutch. The Pennsylvania Dutch, as their name implies, are typically found in Pennsylvania. Incidentally, hamburgers and pizza didn’t originate in America either.

Heller’s real problem seems to be that he has eaten a few lackluster fruit pies. Other forms of pie — pumpkin, Key lime, chess, etc., etc. — do not ooze, unless they are left out in the sun for several hours. His other problem is that his undies seem to be tied into a Gordian knot. But perhaps his biggest problem is that this piece wasn’t intended as satire.