“Fun in the sun” can be an absolute horror thanks to these types of people who always kick figurative sand in your face.
In ascending order of obnoxiousness:
5. The beach chair hoggers.
They get up early just to place a towel on a beach chair and claim it for the whole freakin’ day. It’s the human version of dogs marking a lamppost.
4. The towel spreaders.
They’ve sewn together 10 large towels and they’re going to spread them over a huge chunk of land so that you’re stuck on basically a postage stamp. You’re getting charley-horsed from sitting in the lotus position all day while they exude the false nobility of pioneers, conquering new territories by the minute.
3. The squealers.
They frantically run back and forth between their towel and the water, knocking things over, while squealing loudly as if they’re having so very much fun. It’s supposed to be madcap, but it’s just offensive — especially since they’re all in their fifties.
2. The music blarers.
They’ve decided that they’re the DJ for the entire island so they’re going to force you to lie there and “relax” to their own screeching bad taste. “Whip It,” played over and over in the broiling sun, can lead one to murderous thoughts.
1. Speedo wearers.
Sadly, they always turn up on the wrong bodies. Talk about TMI!