I’d catch a grenade for you people. I’d even sit through a Holocaust musical with a song called “Nobody Likes a Dybbuk.” But I will not put names in my gossip. No, not this week—not when I can instead torture you with blind items full of half-baked innuendos. And so:
Which seasoned designer who goes to South America upsets some of the sauna-going locals because, as one of them told me, “He makes the price of the rent boys go up from $20 to over $100”? Which extremely hot athlete-turned-actor is a big old gay, and not at all a tight end about it? Which ousted politician and his wife tell friends they’re thrilled it’s all over for them because they were put under a microscope and misrepresented at every turn? (Good, then that works out for everyone, I guess.)
Which monthly columnist actually pays the magazine to publish him, a kooky new twist on the old trend where it was the journalist that got paid? Which shady writer sends e-mails to editors saying, “I will write a column for your magazine. We’ll have lunch and discuss the details,” and is greeted by deafening silence? (Maybe if he paid them?) Which actress in a Tennessee Williams play got a little too into character and started screaming and bossing people around backstage like the crazed diva she portrayed?
Which pop star whose shtick is acting skanky really is? (In fact, sources swear she smells like a kettle of rotten fish.) Which Oscar-winning grande dame is quite a cutup in real life, liberally using the C-word as if it were second nature? (And it is, it is.) Which singer/ex–reality star inspiringly gushes to friends, “I’m still getting fucked, thanks to black guys!”?
Which Oscar-nominated actress’s mother tried out for the part of her daughter’s character’s mother in a bomb comedy and didn’t get it? (Not convincing enough?) What did the daughter nobly say when she realized her dressing room was smaller than her blond co-star’s? (Free answer: “I can use the animosity for the part. We’re supposed to hate each other.”) Which escort strangely won’t let people orally devour his wares, one of the greatest cases of wasted material since the Staten Island landfill? And isn’t it a wee bit endearing that he admits to having had lipo and finding the fat growing back? (No, not down there. It’s hardly needed in that region.)
Which zany club owner tells performers, “Don’t use such big words! This is a coke crowd!” Which same guy was spotted running around a foreign city of business in his underwear, and has also been known to approach guys on the street, crowing, “I want a cock to suck”? (Well, don’t waste your time with the aforementioned escort.) What young TV star broke up a big Hollywood relationship and also found time to sleep with another married Hollywood icon, though his marriage miraculously stayed intact? Which cranky old guy would never publicly admit that the legendary star who helped make his big musical a classic actually contributed to the dialogue he took sole credit for?
Which movie-star couple broke up to cries of “How can you break up when you were never really a couple!”? And wasn’t there also the problem of that male paramour back in L.A. (for the guy, not the girl)? Which TV star is being diva-licious on her new project, co-workers citing her as more of a high-maintenance nuisance than before? Which recently deceased actor from the ’70s was so wrecked with booze that one TV show assigned a handler to make sure he didn’t wander off during rehearsals to hit the sauce?
What black multi-threat made a point of unconvincingly saying in the middle of a magazine phoner, “My girlfriend’s on the other line. She’s blond and very hot!”? Which stunt casting star on Broadway didn’t get entrance applause until her second appearance because she looked so old no one had any idea it was her at first? What Wicked chorus boy moved in with that noted actor/director, only to get dumped for that Pal Joey star, who’s now exes with an ensemble member from Chicago? And which Book of Mormon star did the Chicago guy end up with? Can someone put all that to music?
Which plucky performer bristled at a profile in a weekly publication, saying it wasn’t as sensitive as a monthly one that was done—but when the monthly one had come out, the performer had some things to say about that, too? Which food lady has to be coerced to do some of the extra stuff related to her stardom because she never bargained for this level of sucess and is even more overwhelmed by it than that political couple above? Which Oscar-winning actor who is most often in schlock films has hit more than one woman, especially if you dig back to the very dark ’80s? Which same actor once hit on a cute blond boy at a New York club, interestingly enough? Which fallen Wall Street chairman has a fetish for dressing in designer polka dots, so while he’s disgraced, at least he’s totally fetching?
Which low-level blogger who loves writing about how I don’t deserve to be featured in certain magazines or movies actually tried to friend me on Facebook? What happened to the gay bar Urge? (Free answer: It closed. So they changed the name of Woody’s, right next door, to Urge. Genius!) Can someone please mediate between those two promoters who are doing that long-running party but barely speaking to each other? Does anyone still wear a hat?