Ride The Free Parking: Suggested Modifications For The Metallica Monopoly Game


Given that Metallica themselves have raised the question, “Can you ever really have enough money? Can you possess enough beachfront properties and Fifties-style hot rods?”, it makes sense that the band will have its own Monopoly game, which goes on sale in the band’s online store next week. Details are scarce as far as any Metallica-related modifications to the board go, so there’s no choice but to wildly speculate as to what changes lie in store. Will cash still be cash, or will it be “credibility points,” with players losing some for each perceived sell-out? Does it come with pyro? Can you deal art on the side? A few ideas, below.

Lars is the thimble, even though thimbles are supposed to protect you from pricks.

Rich Uncle Pennybags is replaced by either a leering, boozed-up Lemmy Kilmister or a snarling King Diamond.

The first three properties on the board are the rest of the Big Four, allowing you to more easily subjugate them while appearing to be magnanimous orchestrators of an event happening 20 years too late.

You can place as many hotels in Scott Ian’s beard — it gets its own space on the board, right next to Anthrax — as you want; he doesn’t mind. He will then go on VH1 for the next 15 years to talk about what good buddies you are.

“Jail” is replaced by “rehab.” Do not pass go, discover Jesus, temporarily lose ferocious riffing ability.

“You have been set aflame onstage in Montreal. Axl Rose covers for you by inciting a riot. Sit out two turns and guiltlessly avoid blame, since Axl is a big jerk.”

“Release an album with no guitar solos. The Kirk Hammett token (a teddy bear wearing eyeliner) goes surfing for one turn.”

“Record song with Ja Rule. Wait, what?”

“Congratulations, you have been inducted to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame! You are hereby sentenced to play ‘Train Kept A-Rollin’ with Joe Perry once a year and pay $25,000 per table.”

“Release the Black Album. Print your own money. Game over.”