We’ve all seen the commercials. And we all have the same burning questions: Does 5-Hour Energy really work? Will we really avoid the 2:30 slump? Just what does it taste like?
There was only one way to find out. Behold the five-hour account of my consuming 5-Hour Energy.
9:30 — I opened the container to discover that I had purchased Berry flavor, which I guess is exciting since I didn’t know 5-Hour Energy came in different flavors. In all honesty, I’m a bit nervous about taking it since it looks like something that bodybuilders would drink. I scan the label to make sure I’m not going to die. It tells me that the “no crash” only promises no sugar crash. Presumably I might crash from, oh, having a heart attack. Just kidding! Right? It also says that it’s only comparable to the caffeine of one cup of coffee, so I’m hoping there’s some other stuff in here. Otherwise, a cup of coffee is cheaper and undoubtedly tastier. Not sure what the calorie count is on this, since nothing is listed. Maybe 10? Oh, wait, the front bottle says four. In any case, here goes nothing.
9:45 — I open the bottle and take a sniff. It smells like the raspberry body wash from Bath & Body Works that I used in seventh grade. I can’t decide if this is comforting or scary. Kinda comforting, I decide. I take a small sip. Surprisingly, better than I anticipated. It’s very sweet, but sort of like Gatorade that’s been distilled or something with lots of ascorbic acid, giving it an oddly tart aftertaste. It takes a few sips to get it all down, but it honestly tastes a lot better than I anticipated.
10:00 — I notice that the bottle says not to worry if I experience a niacin flush and turn bright red. Luckily, my days are spent in a cubicle, and the chance of someone seeing me red is low. I’m also reminded of the douchebags in high school who thought that consuming massive amounts of niacin could swing a drug test to negative. Maybe they can now just drink 5-Hour Energy. Ha! OK, time to get some work done now.
10:30 — Feel slightly energized but not really. Where are the Adderall binge-like jitters I’m expecting? Why haven’t I finished writing my review that’s due in a couple hours? A handful of diet pills would probably be better.
11:50 — Well, I’ve gotten some work done and feel mildly invigorated, but still not as much as I was hoping. In fact, now would be the perfect time to take a nap. I could probably do it, too, if I had a pillow nearby. Where’s my third hour of energy???
12:40 — OK, I have a mild spurt of energy, but maybe that’s because I am now drinking my coffee. I get bored and look at the bottle again. This has over 8,000 percent of my daily vitamin B-12. And 2,000 percent of B-6. Makes you wonder why, exactly.
1:40 — Feel energized, but I think that’s because I had some lunch, which was the first thing I’d eaten all day (wanted my highly scientific taste test to be perfect after all).
2:30 — My five hours are over. Conclusion = FAIL. Where was my surge of energy that inspired me to climb mountains like the little silhouette on the bottle? I guess I’m not in a 2:30 slump and I avoided crashing, but I’m not that motivated to do lots of work, either. Maybe this would be good mixed with vodka, though, since it’s sweet and tart. Perhaps I’ll make that when I get home from work. But yeah, I drank 5-Hour Energy and all I got was this lousy blog post.
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