Things Children Should Not Do on the Subway (Other Than Skip Out on Fares)


Kids. First they are eating in our restaurants, now they’re skipping out on subway fare. Will they (or their parents) soon run us out of our own city? The New York Daily News explains today that although children 44 inches and under are allowed a free ride, their taller counterparts make up 43% of people who skip out on paying the requisite $2.25.

This costs the Metropolitan Transit Authority “millions of dollars a year,” but we’ll give the kiddies a free pass if they refrain from doing some other things on the subway.

As a child, do not:

  • Monopolize the pole. Sometimes we need to hang on so we don’t fall over. Your pint-size, vaguely stripper-like routine is inappropriate and a hazard for all.
  • Sprawl out over more seats than is necessary. If your mother or father wants you to share a seat with your sibling, do so. Do not try to push us out of our hard won resting place.
  • Get into fights. You’re in a public place. It’s best just to be quiet and refrain from flailing your hands around.
  • Get lost. Nothing is more terrifying for everyone on the train.
  • Eat food that can be left behind. Your crumbs stain our clothing. No one wants to sit on a half-eaten Goldfish cracker.

You should feel free to:

  • Sleep in your own personal space.
  • Compliment us.
  • Be nice to your parents.

Thanks, kids! You are perfectly okay if you’re well-behaved. We appreciate it.