The Five Worst Types of Neighbors


It’s nice to have neighbors, except when they’re the type that makes life even more of a living hell than it needs to be.

The worst:

(5) The ones who perversely press the “close” button in the elevator when they see you coming.

These are the kinds of people who probably like to pull the hooks out of fish.

They’re sadists, minus the rationale or the class.

(4) The ones who, once inside the elevator, act like you might rape them, even though you’ve known them for seven years.

(3) The ones who, whenever they run into you — whether in the elevator or elsewhere — feel the need to put out a steady stream of idle chitchat.

They good-naturedly drone on, usually about the weather and whether you’re dressed coolly enough for the heat or warmly enough for the cold and how tomorrow the forecast looks …


(2) The ones who play music so loudly that your entire apartment shakes as if hit by a burning meteor.

When you ring their bell and ask them to turn it down a notch, they act shocked, as in, “I had no idea!!!” And then they turn it way down, but start up the horror again the next night.

(1) The ones who torture the door people with constant requests and demands.

Every time you pass through the lobby, these neighbors are asking about their packages, their leaky faucets, and their other anguished needs, as if the door staff are their personal slaves.

As a result, the staffers act shellshocked all the time and can’t deal with my needs — like examples 5 through 2.