… the absolute worst things for you?
I’ve pondered this horrible predicament my whole life and can’t figure out if it’s a hideous coincidence or a test of character.
For example, the most delicious things on this planet to eat aren’t arugula salads or grilled zucchini strips, lovely and edifying as they may be.
They’re bacon cheeseburger deluxes with fries, followed by chocolate layer cakes à la mode, and washed down with pitchers upon pitchers of root-beer syrup with real whipped cream mixed in along with cashews, Reese’s pieces, and packets of pure cane sugar.
And all that stuff will surely kill you (or at least make you so fat you want to die).
Similarly, booze and drugs can make you feel more elevated than anything else you could possibly put into your body. Face it, they certainly take you higher than anything made out of granola and spring water.
Also, cigarettes tastes wildly sexy, adult, and exhilarating, and they’ve done so ever since you first sneaked a puff in Mommy’s basement.
And sex without a condom is less fussy, more comfy, and just plain better-feeling than sex with all that messy latex to deal with.
But all these things will surely kill you even faster than a careening lumber truck!!! If it feels good, it also feels terminal!!!
Why couldn’t salad be the dangerous thing instead of sex, drugs, and burgers?
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on August 4, 2011