“Artisan” has been relentlessly and increasingly abused ever since 2009, when a few people in Brooklyn sparked the interest of the New York Times. The word has suffered mightily, slapped about from pickler to jammer to chocolatier to cakeball pusher to food-truck driver until it was more or less stripped of all meaning and left to shiver naked and defeated. But now, its suffering has finally come to an end, because Domino’s has killed it.
The pizza chain, which was last seen exhuming the Noid for social media purposes, has announced it will soon premiere its very own Artisan Pizza.
According to GrubGrade, three varieties of Artisan Pizza — spinach and feta, sausage and peppers, and salami and roasted vegetables — will be available. They will be rectangular in shape and feature less cheese than normal. Because they are handcrafted, artisanal creations, customers will not be allowed to add items, only remove them. And whoever makes the pizza has to sign the box.
The box, by the way, bears a message that reads, in part: “Though we may not be artisans in the traditional sense, inside this box you’ll find a handmade pizza crafted with the kind of passion and integrity that just might convince you we are.” Or it might not. Either way, we’re sorry, “artisan.” You were too good, too fragile for this world. May the afterlife keep you safe from corporate marketing departments and enterprising Brooklynites alike.