Duane Reade Has Sold Out All Their Flashlights!


An epic aberration of nature’s wrath is a-coming and none of the Duane Reades I’ve gone to in a panic has any flashlights left!

They’re sold out like in a disaster movie!

What if the shit hits and we lose power, a hideous turn of events that will have us home-bound yet unable to cook, go to the bathroom, use the computer, watch TV, or even talk on the phone — and all of that inactivity will be done in the dark, by the way!

I’m all stocked up on tuna, bagels, and batteries, but what about the light problem?

I’m going to have to dig up my Fire Island meat rack strobe.

And my neon cock ring from the ’70s. (Could it still be glowing? Probably — it’s never been used.)

And my fairy dust and Vaseline — anything that’ll make me sparkle like a radioactive pixie!

Oh, well.

At least I have my fleshlight — and that’s all you really need when you’re home-bound in the dark.