Hurricane boyfriends! Hurricane girlfriends! They are happening! Your time is nigh! We spoke with one aspiring hurricane boyfriend, Matt Langer, who remains, at this moment, uncoupled, busily tweeting his qualifications for hurricane boyfriendhood. Were we impressed? Find out, after the jump.
First off, what zone are you in?
I’m in Greenpoint, in Zone B, a block and a half away from Zone A.
Why do you want a hurricane girlfriend?
I’m going to be sitting in my living room, alone, for 12 hours, bugging out. Also, it has the potential to be such a lovely story. You can tell people, “We met because of the hurricane.”
That’s way better than meeting online.
Oh, God yes, stay away! The Internet is not a dating service.
So you wouldn’t try to meet your girlfriend online? But what about all these tweets about wanting a hurricane girlfriend?
O.K., I’m in a pickle. Maybe the Internet can be used in case of chance encounters….You tweet, and then you meet someone in a bar, or something.
What are your hurricane boyfriend qualifications?
I was thinking about it this morning. I have two cans of honey roasted peanuts. I also have a fully charged laptop and a DVD version of You’ve Got Mail.
Do you see some synergy with You’ve Got Mail and the hurricane?
Certainly using the the Internet to find girlfriends, it all started with You’ve Got Mail. It was like the outline for the OkCupid business model.
So, what are you going to do when it gets windy and scary?
I was just looking at the map now. It looks like the hurricane will be at Sandy Hook at 8 a.m. tomorrow, so it will probably be 3 or 4 a.m. when it gets crazy in New York. I’m not going to sleep near the windows, that’s for sure. I don’t have board games…but my candles are the best! This was the highlight of my trip to the grocery store. I bought an army of those Goya saint Catholic candles.
Do they smell good?
I haven’t tried lighting them.
What kind of booze do you have?
Vodka, and sparkling Poland Spring with lime. You mix it and it’s like a vodka soda with lime, that’s the only drink I drink. Except wine.
How much wine do you have?
I can’t reveal that. Dozens of bottles. I live above the best wine shop in Brooklyn. I buy by the case.
What have you done to prepare for the hurricane?
I don’t know, I did everything we were supposed to do.
Did you buy water?
No! That’s silly! I filled up Tupperware with tap water. I also have a nice friend who let me park my Vespa across the street in his garage, so after all this, I will still have a Vespa. I have an aspirational two helmets for the Vespa. One has never been used!
Are you going to fill your bathtub with water?
It’s already done, and I scrubbed it with bleach beforehand so it can be drinking water, too. I cleaned out the fridge too, so nothing will smell if power goes out.
How many potential hurricane girlfriends have reached out?
O.K., last night was hilarious. I was out at a bar with friends. We were cracking up; my phone kept lighting up with @replies to my tweets. I got like 20 something new lady followers. The best @reply:
Are you going to keep it up?
I might be running out of cleverness….
What’s your message to those of us seeking hurricane boyfriends/girlfriends?
Get outside while you still can! It’s very surreal. I don’t know what your experience has been like, but I went to a grocery store in Greenpoint last night. It was kind of a mob scene, but at the same time, relaxed. There was a shellshocked look on people’s faces; the veil doesn’t come down on New Yorkers that much.
So, would you actually have someone come over?
Oh, God, no, that would be beyond the pale!
Is Matt Langer hurricane boyfriend material? We give him an A+ for bathtub cleaning, booze, and nascent romanticism; C- for the peanuts and Meg Ryan vehicle.
Please, share your hurricane boyfriend/girlfriend stories. We care, we really, really do!
Previously: How to Find Your Hurricane Boyfriend