Imperviousness to crotch shots—his nether-regions actually deflate projectile soccer balls!—is merely one of the superhuman skills exhibited by Salman Khan throughout Bodyguard, in which the Bollywood megastar plays the titular protector of wealthy college student Divya (Kareena Kapoor). Introduced goofily flexing his biceps and whistling during a narcissistic song-and-dance extravaganza, Khan’s Lovely Singh is a no-nonsense tough guy who fells featureless villains with videogame-style dropkicks and roundhouses. Frustrated by Lovely’s omnipresence and eager to distract him, Divya begins posing as his secret cell-phone admirer. Yet after witnessing him murder an army of her would-be attackers, she falls head over heels for him, thus creating a tricky scenario marked by squishy amour, Matrix-derivative CG combat, and—via portly Tsunami (Rajat Rawail)—literally and figuratively broad comedy. The overweight, gays and little people are cheerfully mocked while writer/director Siddique ratchets up his story’s disparate comedy-romance-action elements to an insanely over-the-top degree. Even more than its overwrought music-video numbers and needlessly complicated finale, Khan ups the movie’s ridiculousness, coming across as a cartoonishly heroic clown from the moment he steps on a rake and it smashes him squarely in the face, to a climactic showdown marked by a gushing water pipe conveniently blasting off his shirt.