Here’s What People Really Mean When They Run Into Each Other


Person 1: “How are you?”

(Translation: “Make it short, please. I don’t really give two shits. I’m on my way to the gym, where I have real friends.”)

2: “I’m great! So busy!”

(“I’m bored out of my skull and one step from the perennial window ledge. Running into you might be the last straw, actually.”)

1: “Me too! So busy!”

(“Ditto. Suicidal.”)

2: “Let’s get together. Maybe have lunch or something?”

(“Please don’t say yes. You never even pay for your half, let alone offer to treat the other person. And your breath!”)

1: “Love to! I’ll email you in a day or so!”

(“I’d rather chew cut glass, babe. Watching you drink umbrella cocktails like a suckerfish doesn’t brighten my afternoon. And in between slurps, your pick your nose and when it drops into the guacamole, you don’t even care. Oh, well, you’re paying for it.”)

2: “Great. See you soon. Regards to Jeff.”

(“You know — the corpulent oaf who ruined your life and made you every bit as boring as he is, though it didn’t take much.”)

1: “Oh, we broke up six months ago. I couldn’t take any more.”

(“The fat pig dumped me for a younger and nicer version of me. I have nine pit-bull lawyers on retainer and will drain him of every last Warhol print.”)

2: “Really? I totally want to have lunch.”

(“Really? I totally want to have lunch.”)

1: “Can’t wait. I’ll contact you for sure.”

(“Fuck you, bitch.”)