Unless you are a fan of the Twilight saga (and if you’re not, what is WRONG with you?), you may not be aware that Breaking Dawn, the finale of the series, in which Bella and Edward actually make a vampire-human baby, will be out in theaters on November 18. This is only part one of the finale, because it was so exciting and sexy that they had to split it in two, much like the vampire and human portions of Baby Cullen-Swan — otherwise we all would simply expire from the thrill of watching it. Also, we would have to get up at least once to pee because it would be a very long movie, and then we would miss something important, and we hate that. In any case, by serving two separate portions of the film, one now and one later, there is delayed gratification. This is good for everyone, not least, the movie makers, and also is sort of fitting for an entire series about waiting until you are married to have sex with a vampire. (Subtext!)
By our speedy Google calendar calculation, there are now 71 days until Breaking Dawn‘s official release date. If you know people who know people, you might be able to catch a glimpse sooner, but, for the general public, that’s how long you’re going to have to wait. It seems interminable, yes, but we are here to help! Here are 71 things to do, one per day, or do them all each and every day, if you see fit, to pass the time until Kristen Stewart and that British bloke with the mop of hair and funny teeth and sparkly skin are emoting on the big screen right in front of you. (OMG.)
71. Pretend to re-read Twilight, but really just lie with it under your pillow and occasionally touch its weathered pages with your cold, cold fingertips.
70. Do the same with Eclipse.
69. Do not do the same with New Moon. Use it to prop your front door open so your cat, Mr. Fluffers, can get in and out at night without you having to wake up. This will change your life! Also, under cover of moonlight, when you squint your eyes, you can pretend that Mr. Fluffers is Edward Cullen. They have a similar facial structure.
68. Put Twilight, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn under your pillow and try to sleep. You will not be able to. Imagine if your neck were as long as all three books together. What a neck that would be for a vampire to latch onto! Blow your own mind; make an appointment with a chiropractor.
67. Stare at yourself in the mirror. Will you ever have your own vampire love affair? Do not answer. This is a rhetorical question.
66. Fashion a realistic set of vampire teeth out of wine corks and some barbed wire, and practice wearing them around the house, and eventually to a red-carpet event, should you be invited to one.
65. Fashion a realistic Edward Cullen doll, with whom you will attend the movie’s premiere midnight show.
64. Determine whether you will have to buy the Edward Cullen doll a ticket to see the movie, or if you can sneak him in in your backpack.
63. Determine that the Edward Cullen doll deserves his own ticket. No expense is too great! Also, buy him some shoes. No one should have to go to a movie barefoot.
62. Refer to Yahoo Answers for what sort of shoes Edward Cullen wears.
61. Fashion a realistic Jacob doll. Stage mock fights between it and the Edward Cullen doll. Buy several shirts for the Jacob doll, because they are always ripping off and going missing when he becomes a werewolf. That must be frustrating.
60. Feel terrible when the fights become realistic, and the Jacob doll goes too far in a way that we cannot bring ourselves to discuss. Feel just like Bella must have. Also, slightly aroused.
59. Reattach the head of the Edward Cullen doll. Kiss its cold vampire lips and remember.
58. Throw the Jacob doll out the window. What an asshole.
57. Eat some pizza. You are hungry!
56. Take out the vampire teeth.
55. Drink all the wine in the uncorked bottles you’ve used for fashioning the vampire teeth. Make sure it is red wine, for the most vampiric effect.
54. Put the teeth back in, lie on the floor, and clutch your Edward Cullen doll to your chest. Whisper “I feel very safe with you,” and “Your eyes are a brilliant shade of butterscotch today, darling.” (You may lisp a bit. Practice makes perfect!)
53. Consider how the title of Breaking Dawn includes all of the letters for “Edward.” Get chills.
52. Watch some Toddlers & Tiaras, or maybe a few episodes of House Hunters, just to take your mind off things for a minute.
51. Go out and collect the Jacob doll. He is only slightly worse for wear. Tell him he’s your best friend, but Edward is your TRUE LOVE. There is no other way. Sigh deeply and expressively.
50. Go to work. When your boss asks where you’ve been, shout “You just don’t understand anything!” and storm out. Sneak back in and collect your Edward Cullen doll from your cubicle once you get halfway home and realize you forgot him.
49. Stop at the grocery store for some string cheese. It’s great for snacks, and high in protein!
48. Stare moodily out the window and wonder why you didn’t have the luck to be sent to live with your father in Forks, Washington, when your mother gallivanted around the Southwest with her new husband. This is like your Sliding Doors moment, except, really, not, considering your parents are still together and live in Michigan.
47. Check out the official website of Stephenie Meyer.
46. Write and ask her why she hasn’t updated the site since April 12, 2011. And who is this Seth person?
45. Assume she’s probably been very busy.
43. Rip up your letter and eat it.
42. Wonder if the ink was toxic. Throw the pen in the garbage, where it bursts, leaking everywhere in a puddle reminiscent of Edward’s favorite snack.
41. Hug your Edward Cullen doll, and allow him to whisper reassuring things into your ear.
40. Call poison control.
39. Use Eclipse and New Moon as handweights as you pace around the room on hold. A little cardio, a little strength training.
38. Tell your story to poison control as you surf the ‘Net for Twilight merch.
37. Listen as poison control tells you how they did the exact same thing while waiting for the release of New Moon, and they survived. Wonder if they are lying in a plot to steal Edward away from you.
36. Head to the hospital.
35. Get kicked out of the hospital for ogling vials of blood and trying to get the nurses to take a picture with you and your Edward Cullen doll.
34. Go home. Have some string cheese.
33. Call your mom. She wants to know if you’re wearing your “Team Edward” T-shirt. (You are.)
32. Go out for a long, aimless walk in the deep, dark woods, where some vampires might smell you and want to hang out, or at the very least, something bad might happen, encouraging Edward to come and rescue you to prove that he really does love you even though you are a human and he is a vampire and your love is doomed, doomed, doomed. But maybe it could work!
31. Feel disappointed when Edward does not come and rescue you.
30. Return home. Hug your Edward Cullen doll. You just can’t be mad at this guy!
29. Try on your prom dress. Could it also be your wedding dress?
28. Dye your hair the color of Edward Cullen’s eyes after a meal.
27. Experiment with blue eyeshadow.
26. Decide against blue eyeshadow.
25. Join the “25 Days Til Breaking Dawn Is Out” Facebook Group. Make a lot of really close friends. Get super-excited!
24. Feel stupid the next day.
23. Start to plan your outfit for the midnight showing of the movie. Will it be Converse, skinny jeans, and a forest green T-shirt, or Converse, skinny jeans, and a black T-shirt?
22. Magic 8-Ball how much fun you will have. Will you have fun? Signs point to yes.
21. Think about things. Like…How does Edward Cullen feel about popcorn? How does he feel about girls who like popcorn? What would your vampire name be? What about your vampire-human baby? Is “Renesmee” the most beautiful baby name in the whole, entire universe? How high could you jump if you were a vampire? What would you look like as a vampire? Can Edward Cullen hear you thinking all this right now?
20. Put in your vampire teeth.
19. Watch each of the three movies in the Twilight saga, but backwards, in order to glean things you may not have noticed in your previous 57 and a half viewings.
18. Start calling all your local movie theaters daily to see if you can buy tickets yet.
17. Get banned from at least one theater for being “annoying” and “psychotic.” Vow revenge.
16. Research werewolves on the Internet.
15. Work on your scrapbook.
14. Return to Yahoo Answers with your most pressing questions that you have just thought of. Like, “What do you think of the name Bella Swan for a baby boy?”
13. How comfortable are your vampire teeth right about now? So natural!
12. Sew sequins to your skin so you will be sparkly in the daylight, like Edward.
11. Dust yourself in flour so you will be pale and vampirey, like Edward.
10. Think about bed bugs. Are they the vampires of the insect race? Is there an insect race? Is that racist?
9. OMG you can probably buy tickets now! Everything is finally happening!!!!
8. When you do, clutch them in your cold, cold fingers like they are million-dollar winning-lottery tickets, except better. They are tickets to your past, present, and future!
7. Sleep with them under your pillow.
6. Drool, just a bit.
5. Let every waking minute be in preparation for watching the 135 minutes of this movie which will change your life if only because after you watch it you can do something other than think about how you can’t wait to see it.
4. Fall asleep, wake up in a torrid sweat, reach under your pillow to reassure yourself that your tickets are still there, hug your Edward Cullen doll. Repeat.
3. Shower, dressing carefully in the movie-watching outfit that you selected months ago, and Edward in his.
2. Add a belt! Belts are in for fall! Maybe a beret? No.
1. Go to the movie theater. Sit. Shush some stupid talking lady. Wonder how many days there are until part two comes out. GET CHILLS. Is it Edward, or is it the air conditioning? You may never know. Have a bite of the string cheese you have stashed away in your backpack. Delicious, isn’t it? It is.