Uptight Moms Don’t Like Schweddy Balls, Clearly Need Xanax to Calm Down


Of all the world’s problems, you’d think moms would focus their energies on, oh, improving literacy rates or fixing kids’ school lunches, but no. For mothers — at least those who belong to One Million Moms, a branch of the conservative Christian nonprofit organization American Family Association — the real problem in contemporary society is poorly named ice cream. Yep, they’ve taken aim at Ben & Jerry’s, stating that new flavor Schweddy Balls “has turned something as innocent as ice cream into something repulsive. Not exactly what you want a child asking for at the supermarket.”

The full manifesto can be read on the One Million Moms website, and you’ll see that the group is particularly opposed to both humor and liberal values. As they note, “In the past, Ben & Jerry’s has released controversial ice creams, like a special edition of Chubby Hubby called Hubby Hubby last year which celebrated gay marriage. It seems that offending customers has become an annual tradition for Ben & Jerry’s.”

Seriously, people. It’s. Just. Ice. Cream. Take a Xanax and try to focus on the positives here. You say, “Not exactly what you want a child asking for at the supermarket.” For God’s sake, you should be happy that your offspring is still talking to you before he gets all sullen and starts smoking pot err, demanding Magic Brownies flavor ice cream.