Sure, autumn isn’t exactly the season that your typical clichés associate with love ünd romance, but the chances that you might wind up seeing music with someone you fancy do exist! And despite the gloom and the cacophony of freakouts over Facebook becoming even more whiplash-inducing I’m feeling sorta optimistic for the coming season on this first day of fall, so in the interest of helping you all find happiness while not irritating the people in your immediate vicinity—particularly if you are at a crowded show surrounded by people who might not be as romantically lucky as you are—here is the one cardinal rule of being on a date at a general admission concert that I would like to present to all of you:
If you’re going to spend more than three songs in a row making out, you should probably move to the back of the crowd. No, but really, honestly. It’s nice that you are happy, and it’s nice that you are having a lovely time and enjoying the music with a special someone! But the problem here is context, especially in the cramped spaces afforded by New York real estate. You want to replicate the experience of being at home and cuddling while listening to your favorite record? That’s fine. But there are surely dark corners where you can engage in loving, touching, and squeezing and the like. And you aren’t standing in front of anyone,—walls are conveniently non-sentient!
I am sure that this declaration will result in a bit of backlash! Know this: While conducting an informal survey on whether or not I should establish this particular rule of concert etiquette, a friend of mine said that she wished people would institute a two-song threshold for this sort of behavior. So think of my proclamation as me being kinda generous! Because honestly, your insistence on making your DA all that P while there are bands onstage and people trying to see and enjoy them is making those around you think that you’re pretty much doing the equivalent of moving up to the front of the crowd and getting on stage to suck face. Especially when your fellow patrons are shorter than you and behind you and they have to stand on tiptoe and crane their neck up so that your wagging tongues are just below their eye level, and so all they really see they can watch on YouTube without having to pay a cover charge plus $6-$10 a drink for the privilege of doing so.