Ashton And Demi Kaput? I Can’t Bear It!


Reports have Demi Moore fed up with Ashton Kutcher‘s philandering ways and calling it quits between them.

This upsets me a great deal because:

*Demi already weighs only 20 pounds. The added stress might make her totally disappear.

*I counted on these two to carry on forever despite the age difference. They seemed to break all the rules, so I hoped they’d survive all the fly-by-night Hollywood couples they obviously outclassed. What will happen to the cougar trend now that they’re over? Will it go the way of scrunchies?

*Two and a Half Men doesn’t need another womanizing scandal to mess up its cred! This is one bad-press bonanza too many!

*If Ashton really has sex-addiction issues, this is basically one more hot man who’ll fuck anything that moves except me!

*Demi’s kids liked having someone their own age to play with. Will they have to go back to Bruce Willis’s blues concerts?

Get back together, Ashton & Demi — for my sake.

And I’m counting on you, too, Brad and Jen.