Along with its numerous and evident charms that extend beyond the facial hair variety, New York is good with mustaches. The American Mustache Institute (yes!) has published the results of a two-year study on which cities people with mustaches would most feel comfortable residing. The methodology is extensive! First, the researchers created the AMI City Index to determine mustache-friendliness. They looked at employment (whether employers had “proven track records of hiring Mustached Americans” for example); transportation (motorcycles, monster trucks, and four-wheelers FTW); entertainment and sport (pluses for casinos, beaches, shooting ranges, skeet clubs, and pontoon boats); “culinary” (Miller Lite in restaurants, plus lots of Applebee’s); and education (GEDs, community colleges, vocational schools).
Based on these criteria, AMI considered 100 U.S. municipalities through on-the-ground engagement, thousands of volumes of legal documents, relevant statistics, and U.S. Census data to identify the cities deemed most appreciative and supportive of the sexually dynamic Mustached American lifestyle, as defined by AMI.
Chicago won. But New York came in eighth!
Honorable mentions to Boston, Massachusetts; Albuquerque, New Mexico; Green Bay, Wisconsin; Dallas, Texas; Bozeman, Montana; Rome, Georgia; Cheyenne, Wyoming; Cuba, Missouri; Charleston, West Virginia; and Shreveport, Louisiana.
“Our findings confirm that Mustached Americans are migrating to major metropolitan areas,” said AMI social psychologist Melvin van Campbell. “In the Southern states especially, we witnessed an unprecedented embrace of the Mustached American lifestyle.”
As for New York City, we did not so well with education and transportation, OK with employment, and not half bad with entertainment, sport, and “culinary.” From the report:
As home to the largest first responder job market and force in the U.S., abundant shoe-shine job opportunities, and multiple airports — NYC is a hot spot of blue collar Mustached American activity despite its relatively anti-Mustached American white collar community and the presence of hipsters wearing “ironic” lower nose forestry devices.
And, as the country’s historical immigration hub, New York’s influence in the Mustached American community is growing at 17 percent annually – fast becoming not only one of the top mustache-friendly cities in the U.S., but worldwide.
Mustached migrants, AMI research has shown, are attracted to NYC’s ample nightlife, glut of luxury cars, and high concentration of single women. So much, in fact, that NYC boasts the highest average number of vacation homes owned by Arab and Gulf state princes and royalty.
“New York’s job market and education opportunities are unmatched in the region,” said economist Heath Worblee. “Taxi operations alone account for 10% of mustached employees on the Eastern seaboard.”
We should all go home proud tonight.
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