Alert: It is October 3. Not only is rent due, it’s time to change out the boyfriends. (Girlfriends, too, we suppose, though they’ve probably taken care of their wardrobe change themselves already, so talented they are!) But we digress. The important thing to know is that it’s time, time, ticking time for the seasonal switching of the boyfriends. Put the summer one in the storage closet or stick him in a corner of the garage next to the Weed Wacker, bring the fall one up to the bedroom closet or wherever you put your stylish everyday duds. No one wants that white-loafered seersucker-suited outdoor-grilling summer loser around when it’s time for apple cider and ponchos built for two and fellas who look good with leaves in their hair and rakes in their hands, the smell of cloves emanating from their very being. Yes, indeedy, as we walked through the streets this morning with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and a cozy cashmere throw in the other, we thought to ourselves exactly this: “What type of guy should we be looking for in Autumn?”
Dating site How About We has this to say about the new guy in your life. We suppose it is their purview:
The Autumn Boyfriend, however, will seize on those perfect two months of crisp weather and tempt you outside as much as possible. He’ll want to take you leaf-peeping, he’ll take you apple picking, he’ll suggest a great hiking spot and pack a bottle of wine. Suddenly, your life will start to look like like an L.L. Bean Catalogue: your weekends will become montages of beautiful vistas and seasonal activities. You’ll probably make out in a pile of leaves, which miraculously, will be completely dry and clean and soft.
[ed: Is it just us, or does this guy seem insufferable?]
The Autumn Boyfriend wears a peacoat and flannel and that scarf that you inexpertly knit, but which still manages to look ridiculously handsome on him. His belly suggests hearty, but not excessive, doses of Pumpkin Spice Lattes, Spiked Cider, and cornbread stuffing. He’ll have a beard that brings to mind a modern fusion of Paul Bunyan, Johnny Appleseed, and The Pilgrims.
Further! Your Autumn Boyfriend likes to surprise you with gourds that you have to put on your windowsill because why would you want to have those fucking things out in the open, and then you’ll forget about them and they’ll rot and smell and you won’t for the life of you know where that reekage is coming from until your Winter Boyfriend comes over for your Christmas list (you know he’s just going to give you gift certificates AGAIN) and points them out, and meanwhile your Hurricane Boyfriend, who is also, sort of weirdly, just like your dad, is on his way to take care of all the stuff you actually need done, like installing some shelves and setting up your new wireless router. Your Spring Boyfriend is lying on the bed alternating between sipping rosé and weeping while throwing away old shoes (he calls it “cleaning”), and your Autumn Boyfriend goes out and gets drunk on Magners with your Summer Boyfriend (always a terrible influence, but FUN!) ostensibly to brainstorm about your Halloween couples costume and somehow manages to fall down a laundry chute (don’t ask!) and break his leg, which means you have to go as “the invalid and the nursemaid.”
Who are we kidding? These guys are THE SAME DUDE. So change his outfit if you must, because he might catch a chill now that the evenings are getting cool, and by God, the last thing you need in your life right now is a Pneumonia Boyfriend. Also, it’s been six months. His name is Jeff.
Seeking: The Perfect Autumn Boyfriend [How About We]