Columbus Day! It’s today. Maybe you know that because you’re a big fan of Christopher Columbus, or maybe you yourself are lucky enough to have the day off — do you work for the federal government, a New York City public school, a bank, or the U.S. Post Office? Are you, perhaps, in college? Are you a garbageman? If so, you are probably not reading this because you likely have the day off and are doing something thrilling and wonderful. If you do not have the day off and are in front of a computer: Here are a few things you can do to take the edge off.
• Thank God you have a good excuse for missing that damn parade.
• Compose your snarky anti-Columbus tweets and missives, and post them everywhere so that people who do have the day off will feel like schmucks for supporting Columbus, that asshole/genocidal maniac.
• Call in sick. Now you have Columbus Day off, too! (Stop reading here.) Or show them what you’re made of and take tomorrow off.
• Think about what delicious things you’ll order for lunch today with all of your BFFs at the office. And the water cooler conversations you will have! Did you watch Breaking Bad last night?
• Think about how if you were home you’d actually be forced to tackle the dishes in your sink/mess in your room/mouse infestation/lack of food in the house/”that project” that’s waiting for you/anything other than your fifth cup of coffee.
• Congratulate yourself for how much coffee you’ve had so far. Those people with the day off are probably only on their first cup! If that!
• Congratulate yourself on your smooth morning. Isn’t it nice to commute to the office when it seems like you’re the only one who actually got up this morning? There’s so much room for early-morning calisthenics on the N-train! Unless, of course, the train hasn’t come because it’s a low-ridership day for the MTA and you’re still waiting.
• Participate in a protest! (#OccupyColumbusDay)
• Remember, it is not only Columbus Day, it is also Kick-Butt Day, Double Tenth Day, Agnew Resigns, and Angel Food Cake Day. All of those lazy people celebrating Columbus Day are missing out completely on your famous tax evasion angel food cake with the raspberry topping.
• Consider which teddy bear you’ll take to work tomorrow for Take Your Teddy Bear to Work Day.
• Think about how if you were Canadian this would actually be Thanksgiving, and you’d have to spend the day with your family.
• Stick with us. We’ll be here all day, until we punch out and start drinking out of a horn of plenty in celebration. Wait, wrong holiday. Oh, well.