The New York Times’ Luxury Rich Person Toilet Review: A Review


At the New York Times, “All the news that’s fit to print” sometimes translates to “All the toilets that are fit to review.” And that includes the Numi, a $6,400 luxury toilet made by Kohler. The Numi is basically a spaceship for your bathroom. Only the finest commode will do for all the opulent rich one-percenters out there. It can do literally everything ever:

Walk up to the Numi, and location sensors will detect your presence and cause the toilet’s lid to rise, revealing the rectangular-on-the-outside, round-where-it-counts seat. If you are a man standing in front of the toilet, you will notice a blue beam of light projected on the right-side floor, adjacent to the toilet. Place your foot in the path of that beam and the toilet seat will rise; break the beam again and the toilet will flush and the seat will lower itself.

That seat, naturally, is heated, and the temperature can be adjusted from the remote. If desired, the Numi can also blow heated air from its base, warming your feet on chillier mornings. The Numi has what is referred to in the industry as “bidet features”: it can wash and dry its user (there are modes for women and men). Both functions are accomplished via a wand that extends from under the seat that can spray water or blow air. Pressure and temperature are adjustable, as is the spray pattern, which can go from a steady blast to an oscillating pattern that can only be described as invigorating.

Sounds OK! And terrifying.

This is what the world needed: an artificially intelligent toilet when no one has a job anymore and who knows if we’ll even have houses in which to put toilets in the coming year, etc. It’s totally not tone-deaf.

There are also toilets that cost $88. They probably work fine. Good day.


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