News & Politics

Please Stop Christmas Shopping in October, You’re Making Us Look Bad


Check your calendars, friends. Yep, we’re in October, a month in which your only concern should be which of your lightweight jackets to throw across your shoulders as you tread effortlessly out of your house and also, what creative and intelligent but still sultry and appealing to members of whichever sex you prefer thematic outfit you will be wearing at whichever Halloween party you choose to attend this weekend. Maybe, if you’re really neurotic, you can ask yourself (but only once!): “Should I get the flu vaccine this season?” (If you’re asking, the answer is yes.) But under no circumstances should you spend any time thinking, “Will it snow this weekend?” And certainly, certainly do not ask yourself or anyone else, “Have I completed my Christmas shopping yet?”

This is a plea in the interest of good sense and not being completely insane. Can we AT LEAST wait until November 1 to start our holiday shopping? Isn’t this dog-eat-dog world in which kids grow up too fast and all we really have is each other, except only on the Internet, far too fast-paced as it is? Do early Christmas shoppers have to make us feel bad, TOO?

The Wall Street Journal today writes of Angela Richens, an otherwise surely lovely lady “who finished her Christmas shopping four weeks ago.” (WTF.) We hate her. Further, the Journal informs us that frugal consumers will begin their shopping early this year, even earlier than usual, to save on BLAH BLAH BLAH we hate them, too. According to the National Retail Foundation, 39 percent of Americans have already started their holiday shopping. Shouldn’t they be busy Occupying Wall Street or something?

Listen, we’re going to give you a tip: Here’s how you do your holiday shopping. On the night before Christmas Eve, realize that you haven’t bought a thing for anybody. Hop on your flight to the far-away destination (or journey to the nearby neighborhood) where your parents or whomever you plan to spend the holiday with live. Upon arrival, make a trip to the local drugstore, which will be sold out of anything good, but you can at least find some elderly chocolates to put in stockings (ask for a discount!). Then, make a donation in each of your family members’ names to some good cause that you know they’ll appreciate, but really don’t make a donation, just write out some fake cards that say that you did. No one will be any the wiser, there’s nothing to wrap, and all that cash will be in your pocket for something truly important, like paying your rent. And don’t you think your relatives care about that?

Also, come on, do you really have a dedicated closet for keeping all your perfectly wrapped gifts for the months until Christmas? Ms. Richens does.

By the way, it really might snow this weekend.

For Early Shoppers, It’s a Wrap [WSJ]


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