Have you heard!? It might snow this weekend! In October! People are freaking out! Also, it’s very cold this morning, a mere 40 degrees right now. The tips of our fingers are chilly, but we will press on! In truth, there’s not too much to do until we see those frozen bits of precipitation falling from the sky, but in the interest of preparation, we have concocted a list for you to occupy your time with after you put antifreeze in the gas tank and toss your air conditioner out the window (you won’t be needing that!)*.
• Step one of any preparatory list is familiarizing yourself with what might actually happen. A look at Weather.com tells us this:
Still, can we believe Weather.com? It is known to be capricious. Further, if we do believe it, and it snows anyway, does that mean we are fools? Best to prepare for a blizzard, and then we can say “We told you so.”
Step two: Rethink your Halloween costume. If you’re being a slutty cat, be a slutty cat in a sweater. If you’re being a slutty hipster cop, add an additional parka with hoodie. If you’re being yourself, stay inside under some blankets and make sure you have red wine instead of just white. More warming.
Step three: Practice your shocked expression in the mirror. This is how you will react upon first sight of white things falling from the sky. If and when you do, turn to the nearest companion or stranger and say, “OMG, Is this for REAL?” or “Holy shit, it’s snowing!” Then scream and run home as quickly as you can.
Step four: Dig into the mammoth pile of crap in your closet/under your bed/in your rental storage locker to find the one glove that goes with the other one that you left at a bar last year. Write on your to-do list: Buy winter clothes. Accidentally leave the to-do list in the storage locker.
Step five: Given the “Chance of rain 90%” for Saturday, we suggest preparing for a backup weather option. DVR all the America’s Next Top Model you can find. In a pinch, Law and Order works, too.
Step six: We live in New York City, so very likely, you don’t have a waterfall, a garage, a car that needs antifreeze, an old house with pipes that might burst and be your responsibility, or a tropical fish tank that must be kept at a certain temperature so that your priceless African Cichlids do not expire. Thus, you can spend your time from now until the first actual snow complaining to your landlord that your heat is still not on (seriously, what’s that about?) and trying on hats with cat ears. Are they you? We think so.
Step seven: Do you have your fall boyfriend? Ditch him and find one who shovels, stat. Better cores.
Step eight: Console yourself with the knowledge that, even if it doesn’t snow this particular weekend, you can still employ your practiced facial expression of shock and your one glove whenever it does. Like children, every snowflake is different. May we always be pleasantly surprised when they appear.
Re-read steps beginning at two.
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