News & Politics

Presidential Campaign Stores: Who’s Got the Best Crap?


With the New Hampshire primary less than two months away, candidates are taking to the airwaves with commercials and televised debates to get their messages out. They have been honing their talking points and refining their images to make you, the voter, comfortable enough to buy what they’re selling. But what about the things they are literally selling?

We’ve taken a look at each candidate’s campaign store and handpicked the most fascinating items therein. Get your credit cards ready!

Mitt Romney:
Mitt, the guy who will probably end up with the Republican nomination even though he wants to turn your kids into Mormons, has a pretty threadbare campaign store for a frontrunner. There are only 13 products for sale, and none really stand out. None, except the Believe in America Water Bottle. The description is innocuous enough: “Show your support on the go with an official Romney water bottle. Made proudly in the USA.” But why would you need a stainless steel water bottle? Buying plastic bottles is our God-given right, and by selling this item, Mitt doesn’t support the free market and instead backs big-government municipal water systems. Nice try, RINO.

Newt Gingrich:
Newt has made a surprising surge in the polls, and that is in no doubt directly related to his 21st Century Contract With America Flyer 50-Pack. You’ll be the hit of your neighborhood when you go door-to-door passing out these babies, chuck-full of wisdom like, “America’s exceptional nature is based on the self-evident truths contained in the Declaration of Independence,” and, “Our rights are endowed by our Creator and they are unalienable.” Only a 50-pack?

Herman Cain:
Shame on you, Herman. As the most charismatic Republican candidate, we expected you to have an appropriately inspiring campaign store. Instead, you offer this anemic sticker and sign dispensary. We’ll take one 9-9-9 bumper sticker, we guess.

Ron Paul:
Now this is more like it. Ron Paul’s online store offers over 50 items for sale, each one better than the last. If you have to buy one thing, we suggest the End the Fed wristband. It’s like a Livestrong band, but for a cause everyone can get behind.

Michele Bachmann:
Bachmann’s store is terrible. Take a look, it lacks the crazy-eyed intensity that has defined her campaign until this point. Either start selling “Vaccinations Cause Autism” overalls or pull your name out of the running.

Jon Huntsman:
You could buy this Huntsman graphic tee, but then you might as well wear a shirt emblazoned with, “I believe in evolution.”

Rick Perry:
Perry’s campaign has lost steam, and this is reflected by his official campaign store. T-Shirts and buttons, what a snooze-fest. This beanie’s kinda dope, though.

Of course, there’s the Obama For America 2012 store, complete with martini glasses, birth certificate mugs, dog bowls, and a rhodium ball ornament, whatever the fuck that is.

Those sound interesting and all, but did we mention Herman Cain is selling 9-9-9 bumper stickers?


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