News & Politics

Anthony Weiner’s Mustache: An Exploration


As ABC News points out, the former Congressman now known most infamously for his mislaid sexts, a/k/a, Anthony Weiner, is cultivating his facial hair, per a photo snapped in New York’s own Soho on Black Friday. Is this sporty-go-lucky mustache for Movember (note: Movember ends Thursday) or is it perhaps a stealthy new disguise? That remains unclear, but here’s what we do know about Weiner’s new ‘stache.

1. The Daily Mail has dubbed it “questionable.” And, yes, we dare say, poor Weiner looks a bit like a B-list actor playing the part of Anthony Weiner after Anthony Weiner falls from grace following a sext scandal, loses his high-powered Congressional job, and starts carrying shopping bags about for his pregnant wife while they partake of Black Friday sales in one of America’s finest shopping districts. What’s good for the economy is good for the U.S. of A.

2. In fact, the entire amateur mustache-judging community seems pretty down on Weiner’s new facial accessory. Gawker says it’s not doing him any favors in the creepiness department, while the New York Post dubs it “reminiscent of the one made infamous by adult-film legend John ‘Johnny Wadd’ Holmes in the XXX-rated 1970s.” TMZ calls it a “pornstache.” But, shall we focus on the horizontal stripes at hand? At least he’s wearing a shirt! (Those were dark times.)

3. What do the mustache professionals think? We went straight to Dr. Aaron Perlut of the American Mustache Institute, who, you may be surprised to find, feels that Weiner’s new upper-lip sprouts may signify a positive step for the disgraced politico: “Clearly Mr. Weiner disgraced himself as a clean shaven mortal and now he is reaching across the aisle to determine if embracing a truly sexually dynamic Mustached American lifestyle will help mend his tarnished image,” says Perlut. “Will it work? Only time, the prospective adoration of the Mustached American community, and the 27-minute orgasm which on average is provided to an owner/operator of a mustache will tell. But the signs are good in spite of the discriminatory nature of media that is negatively commentating on the former Congressman’s new upper mouth forest.”

You heard it here. Judge the man, not the mustache. Though…is there any chance Huma is making him do it? If so, we approve.

Anthony Weiner Celebrating Movember or in Disguise? [ABC]

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