Good morning! It is Day Two of your unprecedentedly warm, especially weird weather this week. Expect another day in which you can probably walk around sans coat and maybe in just a T-shirt, if you veer toward the hot — it won’t be a record-breaking 70, but it will be in the 60s — except you should bring an umbrella, as there’s a 70 percent chance of rain, and, well, it’s actually raining right now. Meanwhile, it snowed in the Deep South. Not to worry, cold is coming our way! But for today, here is your guide for making the best of our particular weird weather, as you see fit.
1. Ask yourself: Are you a glass-half-full or a glass-half-empty type? If you’re the former, for the past 24 hours you’ve been showing off your tank top and talking about how California doesn’t have anything on us. If you’re the latter, you’re deeply concerned about what this fucked up weather means for our environment, and posterity. But you’re also wearing a tank top, perhaps with a light layering cardigan atop it, because, well, what are you going to do?
2. For the glass-half-full types:It is December in two days. The Rockefeller Center tree lighting is tomorrow. Bieber is not going to be in town after all. We sense a dark foreboding. Perhaps you are a glass-half-empty type after all? Drink the rest of the water in your glass.
3. Did we say it’s going to rain? It’s not only going to rain, it’s raining, off and on, all day long. Forget about how concerned you are about the environment and such (and how thirsty, now that you’ve finished all your water) and select the day’s umbrella. Read up on the how-tos of umbrella usage. Then go out and see the world!
4. Ask yourself the existential questions. For example, over at NBC Washington, they consider: “How Weird is This Warm November?” (Is it weirder, say, than Anthony Weiner’s new ‘stache? Weirder than snow in October? Weirder than Bieber and Obama refusing to be in the same place at the same time, hmmm?) Answer: “News4 meteorologist Tom Kierein says this weather pattern has been somewhat unusual, but not unheard of.” When in doubt, shrug your shoulders and act like a meteorologist.
5. Feel briefly bad for charitable organizations holding Snowflake Balls tonight.
6. Gaze longingly at the winter coats hanging in your closet, the ones you’ve been wanting to wear since September. The time for your joyous reuniting is not today. But it is soon. Hang in there. In the meantime, consider whether this weather means you should return to your summer boyfriend, or hang on to your autumn one, or give up the charade entirely, because soon weather will be dead, and at least you have your umbrella. Oh, it’s raining! Don’t the drops hang nicely on the remaining tree leaves?
7. Complain to your landlord that your heat is still on. Tomorrow, complain that it’s off. Return to step one, repeat until it snows and you have something new to complain about.