The Internet Is Out to Kill Your Future Babies


Back in the old days, your grandpa had to walk 50 miles to his schoolhouse while barefoot in the snow, carrying a bushel of 30-pound books not to mention hot potatoes in his pockets to ward off hypothermia, leading to second-degree burns on his fingertips and wrists. However, he has nothing on you, for you have battled the evils of modern day, proven far greater by science than the average blizzard walk. Basically, the Internet hates and wants to punish you. Thus, there are scourges like…toasted leg syndrome, in which your laptop hopes to wound and mottle your thighs; text neck, which might throw your whole alignment off and lead to years of back pain and an addiction to the chiropractor; carpal tunnel, and don’t we know it; not to mention an overall unhealthy relationship to the Internet and a sense of codependency upon your tech devices. But now, the Internet has done it. The Internet wants to kill your sperm, says science.

Just as New York City parks were finally blessed with a rollout of free WiFi, there comes the news, from scientists in Argentina, that WiFi, in particular, that free-roving wild child of the Internet lifestyle, may damage sperm. In an actual study, scientists put drops of healthy semen under a laptop with a wireless Internet connection. Their findings were disturbing.

After four hours next to the WiFi-connected computer, 25% of the sperm had stopped moving and nine percent showed DNA damage.

By comparison, semen kept at the same temperature but away from the computer showed just a 14% drop in mobility and only 3% suffered DNA damage.

The lesson is clear. Don’t put your sperm under your laptop. Unless you’re connected with an ethernet cord. Or perhaps a dial-up! The blame is on electromagnetic radiation emitted by the WiFi, not to mention, that computer gets hot (see “toasted scrotum syndrome”).

Thus, you should probably get a desk, and one of those exercise ball chairs, and maybe take a walk now and again, so as to allow the Internet time to figure out a new way to punish you. It will. It will.

Note: avoid hot potatoes in the pockets, as well. This is 2011.

Most Popular