Disney has learned that if you bring back a classic cartoon in 3-D, you make many more dimensions of moola.
But I pray the same trend doesn’t hit some other types of screen gems because in my lifetime, I absolutely never want to see the following:
*Gandhi in 3-D
Thrill to Mahatma’s protruding ribs as he fasts his way into your face. And the sacred elephants will look even more excitingly grotesque than before. Best of all, the real Taj Mahal will finally look as majestically stunning as the Trump one!
*127 Hours in 3-D
Watch James Franco trapped by a boulder, in scary extra dimensions. When he cuts his arm off, it practically flies right atcha! Fun stuff! Bring your favorite date.
*The Diary of Anne Frank in 3-D
The attic will seem so much larger in this version that you’ll wonder why they’re even complaining about being so cramped! It’ll look like a Park Slope townhouse.
*Precious in 3-D
Picture it. Scary shit. Comic Jeffrey Ross once cracked to me that he actually saw this and “bitch reached down and grabbed my popcorn!”
*Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil
Not every animated film is a classic. Besides, it already was in 3-D!
Stop this madness already, Hollywood, before I triple deck ya!
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on December 16, 2011