Here comes Santa Musto trying to squeeze his ass down various celebrities’ chimneys to give them a steaming pile of the following appropriate presents for their futures:
*A DVD of Schindler’s List for the messy, mouthy John Galliano.
Learn it, bitch!
*DVDs of Boys in the Band, Brokeback Mountain, and J. Edgar for the equally inappropriate Brett Ratner.
Feel the gay pain, honey!
*Heaping slices of shit pie for those indiscreet messers-aroud with maids/housekeepers, Arnold Schwzennegger and Dominique Strauss-Kahn.
Down it all with special cream on top, oinkers!
*A land phone for Anthony Weiner.
No chance for sexting!
*Toys and other playthings for all of those boyfriends/girlfriends who are at least a quarter-century younger than their celebrity “mentors.”
You know who you are!
*And speaking of young’uns:
For that cute little, do-no-wrong Justin Bieber …
(Kidding, kid. That paternity claim was a bust. But hey, get some condoms anyway and have a great holiday.)
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on December 19, 2011