My Christmas Gifts For Celebrities

Here comes Santa Musto trying to squeeze his ass down various celebrities’ chimneys to give them a steaming pile of the following appropriate presents for their futures:

*A DVD of Schindler’s List for the messy, mouthy John Galliano.

Learn it, bitch!

*DVDs of Boys in the Band, Brokeback Mountain, and J. Edgar for the equally inappropriate Brett Ratner.

Feel the gay pain, honey!

*Heaping slices of shit pie for those indiscreet messers-aroud with maids/housekeepers, Arnold Schwzennegger and Dominique Strauss-Kahn.

Down it all with special cream on top, oinkers!

*A land phone for Anthony Weiner.

No chance for sexting!

*Toys and other playthings for all of those boyfriends/girlfriends who are at least a quarter-century younger than their celebrity “mentors.”

You know who you are!

*And speaking of young’uns:

For that cute little, do-no-wrong Justin Bieber …

Condoms!

(Kidding, kid. That paternity claim was a bust. But hey, get some condoms anyway and have a great holiday.)