Let’s start with some blind items. You’ll thank me later.
Which foreign-born designer waves and keeps running whenever she sees her plastic surgeon in public? (She doesn’t want anyone to figure out that she knows the woman—as if this way, people will never guess that she has regular work done!) Which TV star used to regularly service the composer of the project that launched her?
(Relax, it was just for fun. She’d already nabbed the part.)
Which sheik went for medical help when his testicles were impacted, only to learn that he has a uterus? (Or he would have learned it had the doctor gotten up the balls to tell him. He only told friends, who obviously told everyone else.)
Which thirtysomething blonde socialite is using her diet pills at such an alarming rate that her doctor won’t renew the prescription unless she comes in for a visit every time? (And even then, he’s not thrilled. So many celeb casualties linger in the memory.) Which legend’s son has lived for decades in that addiction-treatment facility, unable to face the world at very large? Which male designer bizarrely motioned for his London fashion-show audience to stand after the presentation, only to find them resolutely sitting there, blank-faced?
Which designer who married really well brings her dog to work—as do some of her staffers—even though some of the other workers are allergic, and the dogs are horribly behaved, constantly fighting with one another and peeing on the clothes? (As a concession, a dog therapist now swings by every week to have a session with each creature. Meaning the dogs.) Which former sitcom star barreled with four guests to the front of the line for a screening of the new Meryl Streep flick, barking “I’m an Academy member”? (And she got in! She really has some uterus!) Which Oscar winner was spotted at a boîte a few months ago, loudly dissing the acting chops of a perfectly talented male theater co-star?
Which queen on the scene was fired from Barney’s for having sticky fingers (which were beautifully manicured, by the way)? Which oldies-but-goodies legend drove everyone crazy with his prestige effort, sitting all over the theater from every imaginable angle at rehearsals and complaining that the sound wasn’t good enough? (Hmm, maybe it wasn’t just the acoustics.) Which actress in a musical made people loony behind the scenes with her costume demands, and the result is a way worse-looking ensemble than the one you see in photos outside the theater? Which star on Broadway doesn’t get entrance applause because no one recognizes her altered face from the old days (though at least she doesn’t wave and run when she sees her surgeon)? Which director endearingly hired his new boyfriend as an understudy in his old boyfriend’s play?
Which cable anchor craftily ships all her designer duds to New Jersey to avoid paying sales tax? Which glass-closet personage was in the audience for Standing on Ceremony: The Gay Marriage Plays when a character made a comic reference to his gayness? (Awkward!) Which new real Housewife was wrongly assumed to be a transsexual by at least two people I know who met her? (High praise, by the way.) Which GLAAD award-winner is an old-school hypocrite who casually tosses the F-word around with loved ones?
Which famed cougar actually swings both ways and once stripped in front of a female journalist as an obvious come-on? Which ethnic actress must be getting a career boost out of publicly dating that sizzling actor? (She’s a lesbian!) Which mouthy funny lady loves sex so ferociously that when she used to fuck a fellow comic, the windows had to be shut because her squeals shook the whole neighborhood? (Yep, she’s a scream.)
What designer’s young boyfriend is still so relatively unsophisticated that he has four crumbled chocolate-chip cookies covered in milk for breakfast—plus he spells zucchini “zookini”? Which supposedly reformed star ran out of a screening four times (to powder her nose, perhaps), unfortunately coming back to ask a not-terribly-bright question during the Q&A? Which avant-garde disco singer still hasn’t returned that Marlene Dietrich movie?
Which old broad messed up so many songs during a big concert engagement that some people were buzzing that it was “a career killer” (though she got the obligatory standing ovation)? Which rising starlet shuns red carpets these days because she doesn’t want to be asked about her relationship with that TV star? (And that’s too bad since I have some definite questions about it.) Why did drag performer Holly Caust change her name to Holly Dae? (Free answer from Holly herself: “I had endless arguments with owners and managers. They’d want to book me but would never put my whole name, especially outside New York. Such a shame. I miss it!”)
And now for some vintage gossip, the kind that ages like fine whine: Which movie ‘throb indelicately tells people that the gal he lived with two relationships ago has bad personal hygiene and needs to hose out her private region? Which Oscar nominee seriously claims that legendary director raped her to get a better performance out of her? And which award-winning theater producer was way more likely to give a guy a job if the guy and a male friend had sex in the producer’s bedroom while the producer watched from behind a one-way mirror?
You’re welcome. Oh, and I guess it turned out that we never had time for anything but the blindies. You’re very welcome. Guess who owes me some crumbled cookies and zookini?