Stay The Hell Away From New York’s Malls Right Now


Shopping for presents on Christmas Eve is the only thing worse than buying a Halloween costume on October 30th. For the fifth year in a row, you’ve forgot to get your uncle that sweater you were supposed to get him and now you have to max out your credit card a just little bit more. If you really have to get the forgotten gift go ahead, but if it’s not for an immediate family member — screw it. Right now, the state of the stores in America, specifically New York’s, is at a particular high point of black friday level craziness. Stop shopping, it’s time to cut your losses in order to protect your mental and physical health.

New York 1 managed to find the most stressed shopper of 2011:

“It’s really stressful, and I’m going through in my head what I forgot, or who I forgot. It’s really, really stressful time,” said an early morning shopper.

Emphasis ours. Hey anonymous shopper: don’t forget the ham is in the oven, you still have to put up the last of the ornaments, wrap those presents once you get home, and make sure Aunt Rita doesn’t drink too much wine tonight. No pressure.

The Staten Island mall was a complete shitshow at midnight on Friday for the release of Retro Air Jordan 11 sneakers. There were a couple of brawls and the NYPD had to intervene to keep the huge crowd calm. The New York Daily News supplies the choice quote from 19-year-old Staten Islander Vincenzo Gavrity:

“F–k you, I’m getting my shoes,” said Gavrity, whose jacket blew off in the dust up as he attempted to avoid handcuffs, according to the criminal complaint.

Gavrity never did get a pair of the much desired kicks.

Meanwhile, The New York Post reports that there’s a “Santa Claus look-a-like” on the loose right now in possession of a $75,000 emerald. Staying indoors is the only real option at this point.