If you’re anything like us, you are currently in a post-Christmas morning hangover (and if you’re really like us, you’re experiencing an actual hangover as well). The living room is littered with wrapping paper, the tree is beginning to look stupid, and your father-in-law is sound asleep in his armchair. (Or dead. He’s probably dead.) In order to yank you out of your yuletide malaise, we present five barely watchable Christmas movies available to stream on Netflix Instant.
Studios don’t like to license their best movies to Netflix Instant because it reduces DVD sales. This is one of the few times of the year when people actually purchase DVDs, so the selection for Christmas movies is even more limited than usual. But hey, what’s to say these films won’t become classics in your home? You can even like them ironically, if the holiday spirit compels you so.
A Christmas Too Many
The quality of this movie’s acting, production, costume design, and screenwriting is so poor, you’ll swear you’re watching a porno. Except you aren’t, because nobody has sex. A Christmas Too Many stars Gary Coleman and Mickey Rooney and is a great film for people who like pornography, Gary Coleman, and Mickey Rooney, but hate sex.
A Halfway House Christmas
Remember those guys you met at that party a couple years ago who sold pot but said they’d be stopping soon because they had a “great idea” for a movie? Well, they made that movie and it’s called A Halfway House Christmas.
Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol
This recreation of the Dickens classic was recently parodied on The Simpsons, so if you are intent on completely understanding every reference in Simpsons history, you have to watch this movie. Also, Mr. Magoo probably mistakes a Christmas tree for a lady or something, which could be kinda funny.
This movie almost killed Ben Affleck’s career. No wait, that was Pear Harbor. We mean Daredevil. Actually, it was Gigli. Or was it Jersey Girl? Scratch that, has to be Paycheck.
Man, that guy’s career is like Rasputin. Good for him.
The 12 Dogs of Christmas
This family film set in the depression teaches us that it doesn’t matter how much money you have on Christmas, what’s important is whether or not someone gives you a dog as a present. You didn’t give your kids a dog today? Rot in hell, Scrooge.
Christina Milian and Chad Michael Murray star in this movie about a publicist who is haunted by a dead actress. Based on a true story! (Probably. I mean, there’s gotta be at least one dead actress haunting publicists, right?)
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on December 25, 2011