If you are reading this, it means you have withstood the first assault of the War on Christmas. We have taken the words of various talk show hosts and politicians to heart and are currently in our Christmas bunker, waiting for the unrelenting attacks from the sinister pleasantry, “Happy Holidays” to end. Unlike most wars, the War on Christmas is so subtle, people may be participating in it without even being aware. That’s why we’ve made the following quiz, which will help you determine whether or not you are currently fighting in what was Christopher Hitchens’ second-favorite war.
Please answer honestly, the future of Christmas is at stake:
Two weeks before Christmas Day you:
a) Bought a Christmas tree
b) Watched Miracle on 34th Street to get in the mood
c) Made a wish list
d) Defecated on a mall Santa’s lap
Complete the following sentence: “Merry…”
b) “…is the day Christ was born”
c) “…merry, hallelujah”
d) “…same-sex marriage”
For your child’s Christmas production at his or her school, you:
a) Sat front row
b) Assisted with set design and make-up
c) Videotaped it for posterity
d) Petitioned to have it replaced with that play where all the men dress like women. You know the one.
This afternoon, you plan to:
a) Go to afternoon Mass
b) Open presents
c) Volunteer at a homeless shelter
d) Take your children to see The Muppets and teach them how to be communists
Christmas is about:
a) Jesus’ birth
b) Faith and love
c) Sharing the spirit with others
d) One year away from being completely eradicated, if everything goes to plan
Time to tally your points: “A” answers= 0 points, “B”= 5 points, “C”= 3 points, and “D”= 7 points.
If your total score is more than 15, that means nothing because the War on Christmas is a very silly thing, isn’t it? Go back to enjoying the day, everyone, no ideological warfare to see here.
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on December 25, 2011