Truth: We didn’t actually get a talking doll for Christmas. We are way too old for that sort of nonsense (no offense, kids). But we did watch this video of a talking doll calling someone, quite agreeably, it seems, a “crazy bitch.” Or whatever she’s trying to say. And it inspired something in us, call it our entrepreneurial toy-making spirit, because we thought, with a laugh that spewed out a dribble of coffee, what a brilliant creation a talking doll that could really tell it like it is would be. A doll that stopped being polite and started getting real. We might even hope to own such a talking doll, to carry her around in our handbag on the daily journey of life to ward against the common lifestyle scrapes we find ourselves in, occasionally. In honor of Toys ‘R’ Us’s “You & Me Interactive Play & Giggle Triplet Dolls” — one of which is featured in the above clip — here are 10 things we would like a talking doll to say. Things that might, you know, actually be helpful.
10. I see we’re getting ready to leave. Did you pay your tab?
9. No, but really, did you pay your tab and remember your credit card, this time? Check your wallet. Um, remember what happened last time?
8. While we’re on the subject, this habit of getting a wee bit tipsy and buying everyone a round, while generous, is wrecking havoc with your bank account. You really should stop that.
7. Money doesn’t grow on trees, after all. Nor do cliches! Put that in your pipe and smoke it. No, this does not count as peer pressure.
6. JESUS! Are you texting him right now? Did we not just talk about this? That’s it. I’m taking your phone away from you.
5. I’m taking the Doritos/Cheetos/completely unnecessary glass of wine/pizza box, too.
4. Seriously, did you hear me? You are too drunk to text. Put the goddamn phone down, now!
3. You will regret this. You always do.
2. Fine. At least take your shoes off before you get in bed. At least? Please?
1. [Audible sigh] O.K., you crazy bitch. O.K.
Mark our words. There’s gonna be a run on these things next Christmas.
VIDEO: What Did that Doll Say? [Pat’s Papers]
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on December 28, 2011