I’ve exclusively gotten these resolutions from famous people who are hoping to stay famous in the new year.
“I’ll smile for the first time! Even when people say I impregnated them!”
“I’m sticking to staged readings of two-person plays and an occasional radio show. No more head injuries!”
“No talking. No mouthing off. No self-sabotage. Not a word. No speech at all! No, really!”
“No talking. No mouthing off. No self-sabotage. Not a word. No speech at all! But let me just say … No, really!”
“I might pick up the tempo here and there, but only during the bridge, and only when I’m singing in the shower. And those Gypsy songs needs to be slowed down! ‘Have an e-g-g-r-o-l-l … Mr. G-o-l-d-s-t-o-n-e …'”
“I won’t sing live for the 15th year in a row! Hey, it’s working for me.”
“More babies for me!!! I haven’t picked one out (or popped one out) for a while, and the career’s hurting as a result. I mean Bosnian documentaries? Please! Prepare for more of my incredible mothering skills! Lock up your sons and daughters!”