We Predict the Top 10 Stories of 2012


After compiling our list of the most-read Village Voice stories of 2011, we got to thinking about what the new year will bring. While it’s impossible to accurately foresee the coming news cycle, we’ve used complex algorithms and web-based analytics to predict ten stories that will rock the world this year.

  • Christopher Hitchens rises from the dead to report that heaven does in fact exist. He also says that everyone who shared stories of their friendship with him after he died is full of shit.
  • Cats quit the Internet.
  • Hermann Göring wins People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” as a result of the greatest copyediting mistake in history.
  • The State of the Union address is just 45 minutes of President Obama sighing and shaking his head.
  • A Civil War is narrowly averted when everyone realizes what a pain it would be logistically.
  • Christ returns, but just to pick up some CDs he left behind.
  • Belgium wins every single medal in the London Olympics, sparking a new era of Belgian dominance.
  • The 2012 presidential election is the closest in history, as no one can bring themselves to vote.
  • Climate change scientists admit defeat after it’s like forty degrees in April.
  • The world ends to mediocre reviews.