Six Songs Michele Bachmann Could Have Signed Off With That Weren’t Train’s Beejers-And-Burning Man Ode “Hey, Soul Sister”


After a dismal showing at yesterday’s Iowa caucuses, one-time Republican Presidential front-runner and “interesting person” Michele Bachmann announced today that she was ending her campaign to be sworn in as Commander-in-Chief next January. Once the brief press conference disseminating the news ended, Bachmann walked off the stage… to the strains of “Hey, Soul Sister,” Train’s wistful song about hummers and hot chicks at Burning Man that was voted by Chris Weingarten and me to be the worst song of 2010. Perhaps Bachmann was seduced by the idea of seeming “soulful” as she accepted her defeat, or maybe she just really likes ukuleles, but the song choice was most unfortunate—as the opening line that not-so-subtly references a lipstick stain on Pat Monahan’s genital area should have told, I don’t know, anyone who was working on her campaign and understands the uttered English language? Sure, it was good for a laugh or two, but the six songs below might have been better choices—at the very least, they (for the most part) save the oral-sex references until after the chorus has been run through once.

6. LMFAO, “Sexy And I Know It”

Advantages: Using the No. 1 song in the country to exit stage left implies a pop-cultural savvy that could trump the whole Kelly Clarkson/Ron Paul pairing; departing with confidence.
Disadvantages: I’m a minute 13 into the video and already I’ve counted about nine, starting with the animal-print pants; the elusive Shufflebot endorsement has yet to be made official.


5. Extreme, “When I’m President”

Advantages: Catchy; cute; implies resilience; sorta relevant even now with its references to “trouble in the Middle East” and Alice Cooper.
Disadvantages: America not quite ready for the funk-metal revival; opens the door to jokes about parallels between Bachmann’s campaign and Van Halen III.


4. Billy Bragg and Wilco, “Christ For President”

Advantages: Need I list them?
Disadvantages: Oh, whoops, that bit about jobs and pensions for young and old sounds a bit… socialistic! Sorry everybody.


3. Johnny Paycheck, “Take This Job And Shove It”

Advantages: “That Michele Bachmann, she’s such an iconoclast!”
Disadvantages: In this economy?


2. Spice Girls, “Goodbye”

Advantages: Lyrics about coming up from below could be applied to her narrative, as could the “you haven’t seen the last of me yet” message lurking within; girl power.
Disadvantages: Geri “Ginger Spice” Haliwell not on original recording; giving a British girlband a job for an American singer could be seen as traitorous by some of Bachmann’s base.


1. Meredith Brooks, “Bitch”

Advantages: The definition of reclaiming the terminology used to oppress you; guaranteed to evoke a “well played” tweet from ?uestlove.
Disadvantages: Almost a worse song than “Hey, Soul Sister.”