How to Find Your ‘It’s Gonna Snow This Weekend!!!’ Boyfriend


Have you heard!? In the first notable time since October-snow, there is supposed to be white stuff on the ground, flakes in the sky, frozen precipitation swirling about our nubile bodies and landing on our rosy cheeks and making everything look temporarily clean and crisp and pure, denoting absolutely perfect weather conditions for boyfriend hunting. It may happen as soon as tonight. Gird your loins, gird your girdle. Wear a hat. Your Winter Weather Watch is on.

As with any change in weather, a change in the usual life norms is in order. All bets are off. This is how to make it work for you.

Unlike finding a hurricane boyfriend, identifying a snow boyfriend does not revolve around grocery stores and canned goods shopping. A snow boyfriend should, yes, be strong of arm and spirit and lacking carpal tunnel; quick with a joke and able to eat with a knife and fork, but also, in a pinch, his hands. He should enjoy board games and flannel, and be comfortable stroking the dying embers of a fire back to life while programming the DVR. His scrambled eggs must be mean, but tasty. But the number one most important facet of one’s snow boyfriend should be that he does not have cold hands and feet. Yes, when choosing between your proverbial “Edward” and “Jacob,” in cases of frozen precipitation, one should always go with the werewolf.

Best places for snow boyfriend shopping are, therefore: The coed sauna at the gym; outside the Whole Foods on the Bowery, where sometimes that guy goes barefoot; Craigslist (get pictures first!); the Macy’s sock department; the L train; your doctor’s office (sneak a peek at his chart!); and the bar where you will go tonight and stay, drinking glass after glass of red wine and making googly eyes at the wall while humming “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” until you find your snow boyfriend, DAMMIT. At which point your first priority should be to confirm that he is not a serial killer (sneak a peek at the axe in his backpack — if bloody, hold out for better options).

Bonus points if he has hardy boots, can stay upright in a drift, and lives nearby, because a snow boyfriend is hardly the same as a trapped-together-for-3-straight-days-in-a-tiny-apartment-due-to-blizzard-conditions boyfriend. For that dude, get references.

We’re expected to get 2 to 4 inches of frozen love dust in the next 36 hours, starting tonight. Plan accordingly.