Here’s what Newt Gingrich has to say about gay marriage:
“It’s pretty simple: Marriage is between a man and a woman.
“This is a historic doctrine driven deep into the Bible, both in the Old Testament and in the New Testament, and it’s a perfect example of what I mean by the rise of paganism.
“The effort to create alternatives to marriage between a man and a woman are perfectly natural pagan behaviors, but they are a fundamental violation of our civilization.”
Now, first of all, Newt, the Bible may be your religious book of choice, but it’s not mine. Why should your chosen book of fairy tales affect my right to a fair shake in our society?
Secondly, if marriage is such a sacred sacrament, why did you routinely make a cocky-doody all over it? Why did you break vows, cheat on wives, ask them to have open marriages (after you’ve already been having one for a while), and then trade them in for another wife?
Is marriage so wonderfully holy and blessed that you’re going to keep doing it until you get it right?
And how dare you call me a pagan when you’re the one who several times has shown no respect for a promise, a relationship, or a ritual that, according to you, has been sanctified from a gay-hating mystery figure on high?
(I hope Callista‘s watching her back, by the way.)
And when an ex-wife of yours speaks out about your mixed messages, why is she the one who’s tawdry and inappropriate? Isn’t she just pointing out your tawdriness? Aren’t you the pagan, oh finger-pointing blowhard (though there’s nothing “perfectly natural” about the way you’ve violated the standards of civilization with your wandering genitals on a semi-regular basis)?
And when the media asks you about these hypocrisies, why are they the irresponsible, rude parties? They have every right to call you on the way you want to keep people down with a holier-than-thou attitude that is fully unearned because of your proven disrespect for the rite you so desperately claim to protect.
Hello, pagan pot!
Oh, wait a minute! Stop everything, people!
Newt says he’s apologized to God for his transgressions and he won’t do them again, so all’s fine, OK?
I am so happy hypocrisy and bad behavior can vanish with a mere “Sorry, big fella” every few years.
Unfortunately, God doesn’t take blocked calls.