You’re not actually going to celebrate today with a smile and a cuddle just because chocolate makers, florists, and greeting-card companies want you to, are you?
Are you that much of a corprorate droog, that easily manipulated to feign some romance with someone you shouldn’t have to turn it on with for the sake of yearly peer pressure?
Show some moxie, go against the grain, and celebrate my new annual holiday: Anti-Valentine’s Day.
It’s so much more cathartically rewarding.
Here are some of the fun activities designed for this incredible 24-hour rage-romp, and they’re all absolutely free, or at the very least really cheap:
*Take someone you can’t stand out to dinner. After eating, inform them that you’re celebrating Anti-Valentine’s Day and you chose them as your date because you’ve always despised them. Then leave them with the bill.
*Call someone who mercilessly dumped you and, in a funny voice, tell them their worst habit (“Your toes smell,” “You whinny when you orgasm,” “Your meat loaf isn’t fit for a dog”), then hang up. Do it again and again, and when you run out of horrible habits, start repeating some.
*Send a particularly loathsome ex some dirt in an envelope, informing them that the flowers will arrive separately.
*Break up with someone. Tell them over a romantic candlelit dinner at a lovely restaurant. And again, leave them with the check.
*If you see two rats mating in an alleyway, call the police!
Come on, folks. Come celebrate AV Day with me! You’ll feel so much better afterward.