The show started with great dignity. Morgan Freeman came out and a friend of mine said, “Is that the one who fucks the granddaughter?”
Hilarious Billy Crystal pretaped montage of spoofs. To Octavia Spencer as she serves him pie: “It’s your duty!”
Another friend: “This is already better than the Anne Hathaway one!”
The first two awards went to the stunning-looking Hugo. But don’t worry, The Artist is going all the way. The Oscar voters love anything French (especially fries).
W.E. didn’t win for costumes. Madge can’t say “my Oscar-winning movie” after all.
British icon prosthetics showdown: Margaret Thatcher beat Harry Potter for Best Makeup! And Albert Nobbs could have used more razor stubble.
A friend: “Sandra Bullock always looks like she’s about to cry.” Well, the Oscars probably bring back horrid memories of the Jesse James mess.
Looks like Jessica Chastain is with her mother. So she’s a gay man!
The Mr. Ed theme, the Wizard of Oz skit. This show is for really old people! Like me!
I have no idea what that Cirque de Soleil number had to do with anything, but it was amazing. Take note, Spider-Man.
Christopher Plummer wins for playing a man who comes out at 75 and bags a hot boyfriend. I should have waited to come out!
Angelina is standing in a come-hither way that says “F**k me.” Does she walk around the house like that?
J. Lo‘s ass is competing with her nipple — and Angelina’s leg — for Body Part That Will Make the Most Late-Night Monologues Tomorrow.
Don Rickles looked hotter than Warren Beatty. Did you ever think that would happen?
I knew the women with the acid in their face would win. Last year, it was kids with cleft palates or something.
Meryl looks like an Oscar!
This show is skewing so old. But there are younger folks coming up. The death montage!
Best Actor is Jean Dujardin. I foolishly stuck to my choice of Clooney. Clearly, all the SAG winners go on to win Oscars. The element of surprise is nil.
No, scratch that. Yay, Meryl! I am so happy to have been wrong in my prediction. What a feel-good moment. The right choice! Who else could have made you feel for Margaret Thatcher?
And as predicted, The Artist copped the big one. French people are being allowed to take over Hollywood — as long as they make silent films.
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on February 26, 2012