Tonight, we’ll be covering the 84th Annual Academy Awards, live from a computer. Stay here on Runnin’ Scared for exclusive insight and commentary from a Hollywood insider who has seen THREE movies this year (not including a two-part episode of The Mentalist that looked pretty big-budget). Who’s going to win? Who’s going to get snubbed? Who’s going to die in the middle of the ceremony and get frantically edited into the ‘In Memoriam’ segment? Stay tuned to find out!
8:12: Right now, Bruce Vilanch and Billy Crystal are punching each other in the chest like defensive ends getting ready for the Super Bowl.
8:15: Can you believe it only took the blood of 300 orphans to get that red carpet such a deep hue? Oscars are going green this year.
8:20: In case you were close to converting to Scientology after watching their ad during the red carpet special, check this out.
8:22: ABC really thinks we’re astounded by the fact that they are INSIDE the Kodak Theater.
8:26: Looking out at that audience, it’s crazy to think that Wilt Chamberlain had sex with every single person there.
8:30: Crystal’s Morgan Freeman is ON POINT!
8:35: Billy Crystal as TinTin making a Men’s Warehouse reference? WE ARE THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS, PEOPLE
8:38: You know, a lot of these jokes don’t land if you’ve never seen a movie.
8:41: Wait, sing that medley again, we were making a hot pocket.
8:43: When someone at your Oscar party says, “They give away a good one first to keep everyone interested!” you are allowed to kick them in the kidneys.
8:47: Okay, only two more awards, right?
8:48 The Oscars are like the Super Bowl, but everyone says bitchy things about what the players are wearing.
8:50: Bed bug joke? Too soon, Billy.
8:53: Finally, something for the ladies: Costume design!
9:00: See, this is what the Oscars are all about: 70-year-old movies.
9:05: If this iPhone commercial were an accurate depiction of a couple going on a cross-country road trip, there’d be a lot more frantic crying at Cracker Barrels.
9:07 These foreign films look HILARIOUS!
9:10: Christian Bale looks like he’s about to host Who Wants to be a Millionaire.
9:12: Since someone in the comments section said they are leaving because I’m not announcing the winners…OCTAVIA SPENCER WON!!! I AM YOUR TV NOW!
9:17: This is a very ambitious Miracle Whip commercial. Are they going to kill that little girl?
9:23: Will someone please lecture everyone on how important film editing is? (It’s very important).
9:29: Hugo wins Editing and Sound Mixing. I have nothing to say about this. Good job, Hugo (?)
9:32: Standby for my list of the 84 best Academy Awards ceremonies, ranked in order from best to worst.
9:35: 6, 81,75,60,55, 51, 53, 54, 80, 11, 4, 7, 9, 30, 33, 40, 41, 83…the rest are a tie for worst.
9:38: It took 50 French-Canadian weirdos to remind me how much I love movies.
9:42: Undefeated wins Best Documentary. Here’s our review.
9:46: Rango wins best Animated Film. Funny story about Rango: Francis Ford Coppola would read “Heart of Darkness” aloud to Marlon Brando while on set.
9:47: Apologies, that anecdote was from Apocalypse Now.
9:53: Emma Stone looks like a Lexus in the driveway of a rich couple on Christmas.
10:00: Christopher Plummer wins Best Supporting Actor for Beginners. (I wrote that two weeks ago).
10:06: This Dodge Ram commercial must really resonate for Oscar viewers.
10:11: Look at that huge Torah!
10:14: Best Original Score goes to The Artist. (GREAT album for the gym).
10:19: “Man or Muppet” wins Best Original Song, giving Flight of the Concords a much-deserved Oscar.
10:23: Ideas to improve the Oscars:
10:27: Best Adapted Screenplay goes to Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon, and Jim Rash for The Descendants. Their acceptance speech is based off of a little-known Golden Globes speech.
10:30: Woody Allen wins the Oscar for Best Original Screenplay but doesn’t show up because he is working as a back-up dancer for Pitbull at the NBA All-Star game.
10:41: The Shore wins Best Short. Go get ’em, The Shore!
10:45: The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore wins Best Animated Short. Something something something the title’s not that short!
10:49: More ideas on how to improve the Oscars:
– Let the fans vote! (Just kidding, that’s a terrible idea).
10:54: Michel Hazanavicius wins best director. Feel free to copy and paste that name for your tweets.
10:56: The Governors Awards is like the play-within-the-play from Hamlet (In that it is somehow more boring than the crap that surrounds it).
10:58: The In Memoriam segment is coming up. I will leave the space below open for you to make your own morbid jokes:
11:08: If you replace the Diet Coke from this ad with actual cocaine, it’s a lot more realistic.
11:11: “Movies are hard to make.” There, no need for this hyperbolic montage of interviews with actors.
11:18: Jean Dujardin wins best actor for his role as Uggie the Dog in The Artist.
11:29: Meryl Streep wins, proving that the Falklands invasion wasn’t a complete waste.
11:32: Corky Romano wins Best Picture!
11:36: Sorry, that was preloaded into the blogging software for some reason. The Artist wins. Maybe you should see it now.
11:38: Alright, that’s it. Assuming movies are still a thing next year, this awards show will happen again. Until then, reach for the stars, Hollywood! You are more important than teachers and pediatric surgeons! Never forget that.