A reader named Stephen Finch feels Porgy and Bess has been turned into a “light-hearted musical” — he’s using hyperbole — so he wants to do the reverse and turn some light musicals into heavy operas.
His ideas are scarily good:
Aida Get Your Gun
“A beautiful Egyptian sharpshooting slavegirl must choose between the affections of a handsome camelboy or mummification. After drinking tainted scotch, she accidentally shoots herself in the foot and dies from lead poisoning.
“Six hours long, bring a pillow.”
“A psychological 18-hour death march into the boughs of purgatory, witnessing the termites of hell gnawing at the very underbelly of fright and decay, as told through the eyes of some very cuddly dancing kittens. Based on the poetry of T.S. Himler.
“17 hours 30 minutes long with intermission.”
Sunday in the Park With Faust
“The Prince of Darkness reappears, this time as a brilliant young angst ridden impressionistic artist in 19th century Paris. … He has a brief affair with a wolf, then commits suicide so he can go back to Hell and visit his sick Aunt Hexibah, only to mistakenly end up at the Pearly Gates.
“5 hours and counting.”
And furthermore …
Thoroughly Modern Mephistopheles
Paint Your Wagner
Five Guys Named Mozart
and that immortal classic …
You’re a Good Man Oedipus Rex
Take it away, Broadway!