I should know! I spend half my day deleting them — and the other half answering them, ba dum pum.
(10) “Nothing beats a huge stick.”
(“The size of a man’s member is a sensitive issue. We understand your need for privacy.”)
Oh, do you? Well, thanks so much. Now why don’t you really understand that need and buzz off.
(9) “Download your Intuit.com invoice.”
Yes, I’ll do that as soon as I receive my payment from cuckoo.net.
(8) “So hard you can break an egg.” (“Hitting her G spot every time.”)
Well, it’s better than hitting it with a stick. And by the way, can you make mine scrambled?
(7) “How are you getting on? You haven’t had the promised raise? Don’t worry.”
Oh, thanks. And I’m sure I’ll sign up for your online diploma thingie and skyrocket into bankruptcy.
(6) “Your tax return appeal is rejected.”
Damn! Well, at least my stick is hard.
(5) “ACH payment failure report.”
Oh, well. It probably would have bounced anyway.
(4) “Get the manhood you’ve always desired.”
I’d rather get the man I’ve always desired. But I’m definitely sensing a trend here. Most spams deal with either fast cash or limp genitals.
(3) “Factory of mould maker near Hong Kong.”
Sorry, I’m looking for a mould factory a little closer to my house. Besides, what does that have to do with fast cash or limp genitals?
(2) “Jamie Lynn is a bigger slut than Britney!”
That is a lie! How dare you insult Britney like that!
And the biggie …
(1) “Oprah top 10 things to wear.”
That actually sounded intriguing, so I clicked on it and it said, “Smell sweeter below the belt.”
Oprah’s promoting noodle spray?
Ugh. Spam off, you spammers! Or at least come up with some better shtick (and sticks).